I don’t know exactly how to start this introduction, so I’ll jump right into it! I go by IffyBiffy for two reasons: 1) A big part of the Username was a nickname my Mimi used to call me 2) and I’m almost always Iffy about something! I’m totally up for sharing about my problems with anxiety and the constant fight to keep my dark clouds away! Don’t be afraid to reach out to talk about either! 🙂
Thank you, everyone (all 75 of you, w o w) for being so patient with my blog. I know there’s been a lot of changes made throughout my time on here but I think I may have found the niche I wanna stay in! Again, I appreciate everyone’s support and patience!
I have written my fears down. Actually, I typed them. I wanted to do it as an experiment on whether putting them out there will alleviate anything. We’ll see. I doubt it. The main thing that will alleviate any of my fears is if Nickie G will get a job in time. Or help pay the bills in time. I want to hop back on the “move to Opelika” bandwagon because I have just as many reasons, if not more, to move there than to move in with Brendan and Sarah in Tallassee. After all, Auburn is an interstates drive (or backroads if you’re me) away. It’s only a couple exits in and, boom, you’re in Auburn and the university is close by. I could go to school there just as much as I could at their Montgomery location (AUM).
Something else to note: my mind is more at ease, now. About a week ago, I started feeling that “random” uneasiness again. The one that makes me shut people out so I can take back control of my emotions. The one where I listen to music on the way to work like I do everyday but instead of singing along I just fall into my own head and drive on autopilot. Not safe, I know. I’m still scared I’ll be back to thinking that one shitty thought that always freaks me out. I want to be able to wake up and say “I have a reason to get out of bed today and even if I don’t that’s okay, too”. I can’t sometimes. Even work isn’t a good reason to wake up, okay. I like my job and my coworkers. Hell, my boss literally walked to the kitchen where me and the new girl (Zee) were stocking just to show us a cute video of a baby trying ice cream for the first time (you know, the one where the baby’s eyes grow and it grabs the scoop of ice cream with both baby hands). If that doesn’t tell you there’s no real tension between most of us, then I don’t know what will.
That’s why I have a plan, because making and executing plans is what helps me stay on track, and the plan is to go into that Auburn Psychological Services thing, figure out how to curb some/most of my anxiety, and then find a second job or go back to the Pub. I know most service industry jobs have a nice amount of time of work for someone who already has another job. However, a lot of later shifts don’t start till around 5pm and don’t end until maybe 10pm if you’re lucky. I’ve got to be at the first job by 5am, earliest. That’s not a healthy amount of sleep to me. I mean, it takes about 35 minutes for me to reach home and what if I have to do laundry? Then I have to wait until I can put my clothes in the dryer and then I have to lay down and try to fall asleep for another 30 minutes to an hour. I have found that I don’t function well without my 6-8 hours of sleep. Speaking of which, I’m only up so late-ish cuz I napped for, roughly, a couple hours. It’s gonna take a little longer for me to fall asleep now but that’s what I get for getting home around noon-ish after being up since 3:30am.
Maybe I can convince myself to read past page 50 of “Dear Edward” so mom won’t beat me again for this new book we’re both reading. We’ve been doing this for about a year or so. We pick a book, read it on our own terms, and then try to keep an eye out for the movie. Last book we read was “Where the Crawdads Sing” which doesn’t have a movie, yet. It was so good, though! And before that book we read “The Art of Racing in the Rain” which does have a movie and is one of the only movies I’ve ever watched where I can officially say it was almost better than the book! They made a big change to a plot point in the movie that I feel like made more sense than what the book did. Although the dog dreaming about talking wasn’t in the movie cuz they made changes but that’s okay. I felt like the movie served justice well enough.
Okay, but for real, I need to sleep. Or read. Not typing nonsense on a laptop while Dodie plays in the background. Actually, I might keep the Dodie part. She’s too good not to play. She’s versatile. I listen to her when I’m up and when I’m down!
Okay, good night!
I think I type 2019 more than I write it.
So, Nickie G still hasn’t gotten a job, yet and by the 27th, the bills will be here in 2 weeks. So, she needs to do either 3 things: find a job that pays bi-weekly by the 27th, find a job that pays weekly by the 3rd of February, or do some Door Dashing before the next bill. I swear she’s not taking anything seriously. She keeps sending in apartments to the group chat with Justin and I to look at but she doesn’t even have a job to start saving money. So, right now I’m over at Brendan and Sarah’s house and we’re passing some hypotheticals around for if/when I move in. Honestly, a lot of things would be easier for Brendan, Sarah, and I if I moved in. I could finally start saving more money to eventually go to college. And, speaking of college, Sarah is wanting to go back so if I move in, I can help babysit the Gray baby while she takes her classes.
I was thinking of new ways I could decorate my room, regardless of who I move in with, and I’d love one of those futon beds. My friend, Q, was telling me he wanted something like that and I started looking more into them. I remember Nickie G used to have one in her foyer when I was in middle school and visited her almost every day.
I have been thinking about my job and if I move in with Brendan and Sarah then it’ll be an almost hour drive every day. And, sure, I only have to help out with the electricity bill and some groceries, but when you add up the gas it’ll probably be another $100 on top of everything. That’s already ¼ of my paycheck. I’ll work there for a bit until I can get a better job. Imma try for a job where I have weekends so I can hang out with Bren and Sarah more often but it’s not 100% necessary. I’d also like a place where I can wear whatever I want so I don’t have to spend more money on uniform specific clothes.
I’ve been thinking more about getting out there with my writing. My friend Nigel challenged me to write a short story about a couple who overcomes something and I didn’t know what to write about until about a day or two ago. So, if I write this, I could send it out to a writing competition and maybe try out more. I need to do more blogging.
Okay, so an hour ago I got a call from Auburn Psychological Services and they wanted to make sure I’m still interested which means they’re weeding out the list! I called them back but it was a little while later so they were closed. I plan to call them tomorrow. I’ll have to dig into my credit card for the assessment but once my next paycheck comes in, I’ll be more inclined to afford the sessions. I don’t even make $10,000 a year, so I’m sure I’ll get the lower end of the $30-$60 scale.
1. There is no working lock on our door + the handles eventually stop working.
2. Holes have started littering the house, I keep finding new ones.
3. In the summer, rodents, snakes, insects, etc. could possibly make their way in!
4. Rats have started chewing on anything. Soon, they may find the wires…
5. Also, the wiring in this trailer is wrong, so wrong.
6. We have old pipes. So, how will I know when one bursts until I see the water bill?
7. Outlets have stopped working, so we buy power cords and hope for the best…
8. Help, will I make this month’s bills?
9. This much for an exterminator?!
10. I keep hearing noises at night and think someone’s about to burgle us.
In conclusion, when are we moving?
So, can pills really change a person’s entire thought process? I know they can change your mood because I used to take anti-depressants (Lexapro and Escitalopram- which are pretty much the same thing). I would usually get to the point where I either felt one of two things: nothing or everything. The thing is, I’m desperate to shake my brain normal. But, I’m not sure how fast I can change my brain. I want to correct my bad behaviors so that’ll have to be a physical change. However, how much can I change chemically and emotionally with just a prescription? Also, what the fuck is wrong with me? What’s going to be said to me after they inevitably assess me?
P.S. When are they gonna assess me? I don’t think I’ve actually waited for very long. I just checked. December 5th. That’s really not long. The woman on the phone had warned that it wouldn’t be until spring (probably) until there was an opening. That won’t be for another few months at least.
This is both good and bad. It’s good because I’ve decided to really dig deep in making my life better. I need to start exercising, eating better, and thinking healthier thoughts. If I show up to my training psychiatrist empty handed, they’re gonna just shake their head.
So, Nickie G, Justin (our new possible roommate), and I are looking for a place. I’ve found a really nice place and I’m worried we won’t have the money in time for it. Think of it: $695 split into three which is roughly $232. That’s first months rent. The woman also wants $600 for a deposit. Split into three which is $200. They also have a pet deposit fee which is $200 per pet. I’m paying that by myself because I’m the only one with actual pets. Nickie G’s 3 gerbils are hide-able. So, 232+200+400= $832. That’s two paychecks and then some!
So, here’s my idea: I get a second job instead of just straight quitting La Quinta. I don’t want to leave a place where I’ve grown comfortable with everyone and I’m comfortable with doing most of my tasks. I’ll be learning the front desk probably sometime next week. I’m super anxious but I know once I get good, my anxiety will be awesome. Okay, so I’m thinking of a few places I could jump for and I even talked to Brittany who does scheduling for front desk and she’s even encouraging it. She let me know that when she was my age, she used to always have two jobs. So, here’s to hoping. Basically, what I’ve come down to is that my entire check could be used for bills and the extra money could be for saving and for a possible future in school!
I’ve been sitting in NERDtorch’s giant gray bean bag with its’ matching gray weighted blanket for the past hour or so. I meant to update the journal this morning after Beau left for his morning class but I ended up watching YouTube videos and catching the girls up on Snapchat. That’s where the four of us (supposed to be 5) tend to catch up with each other. I was letting the “ladies” know that Beau was late to class this morning because we ended up having morning sex which was a goal, I’d had in mind but didn’t want to suggest it since I knew he’d end up late. But hey, it was his choice too. Not only that, but he gave me a hickey which was another goal I’d had that he was surprised I was happy about. I don’t think I have to elaborate too much but I’ve never been in that type of a relationship (at least one that long). I’m freaking lit with joy over here. I was so comfortable this go around. We had sex twice in less than 24 hours and Beau seemed relieved too.
I’ve finally decided to start posting my blog to some of my personal social medias. Like I said, I’m trying to get better at other people that I actually know reading my stuff. If I ever want to write a book or hope to be heard, I actually have to talk out loud.
I ran a lot today. Cuz I was bored. I’d planned to do a little working out the day before and when I went to Planet Fitness, I did a little pedaling and some light walking. This went on for roughly 30 minutes before I got bored, again. So, I left and did a little grocery shopping. Then I had a sudden burst of energy and I wanted to run. I also downloaded this app on my phone that has a weird little zombie storyline that takes your location and throws zombie hordes at you that you have to run away from. They didn’t really throw any my way but I still ran anyway because, well, I was bored.
And I got an email from Planet Fitness saying they’re hiring! They have shifts from 2pm-9pm or 3pm-10pm. Since it’s only part time I know I probably won’t have more than 3-4 shifts. I don’t know the base pay but even with minimum wage and 30 hours I’d probably still be making about $150-$200. After about a month or so of hard saving I could probably have the money for when we move! Once February roles around, I’ll have some more money to drop into my savings. I’ll probably need, roughly about $1,000. Some of that is furniture money though, so if the place is already furnished, I could probably shave off a couple hundred.
Okay, I’m tired.
Oof, I’ve had a rough few days. Well, the 12th was mainly the rough part. I guess yesterday was more mentally rough, too. Well on the 12th, Tristan and I went to Brendan and Sarah’s house to hang out and so Tris could put in some applications. We get there, Tris vaguely tries for 30 minutes, he gives up because he “forgot” his password to something, and I decide that I’m done with him. We leave and not even 5 minutes down the road, it’s thunder storming and my windshield wiper on the driver’s side pops off. Fuck! We pull over, Tris attempts to fix the wiper, get back in the car, not even two wipes later the damn thing flies off. Screw it. We somehow made it until right after we passed our old high school. Then, the water came crashing down again and I ended up driving off the road, missing a sign by a few feet. Tristan had to yell the direction I needed to go so we wouldn’t get in a wreck. After deliberating for 10 minutes, Tristan ended up driving us home. It took a while cuz he drove safely and slowly (about 20 miles an hour). My entire body buzzed with anxiety by the time we reached the motherland. The terrible part was that the next day, I had to drive Tristan’s car to work which, by the way, has no insurance and is a shotty car. I was so anxious all day yesterday! I did what I used to do when I worked at McDonalds and I’d “tick mark reached objectives”. This means that I’d think of the objectives (i.e. driving safely to work, dealing with work while running on anxiety and coffee, buying new wipers, driving home safely and without being pulled over) and then I’d tick them off as I reached them. It’s just something I like doing to help with my anxiety. Although, when I did it at McDonalds, I’d tick off the hours. I worked an 8-hour shift so I’d divide those hours into $2. I’d say, 1 hour is a quarter and 4 hours is a dollar. So, I need to make $2 by the end of the shift. My objectives would be dealing with the things I had to do at work and getting through $2 worth of hours until my shift was over with. I also used to do that when I was working at Irish Bred Pub except, I would use a small scrap of paper or I’d steal a used server’s pad and write 3-4 hours down. Since, that’s not a lot to write down, I’d do 30-minute increments. I have a problem.
Anyway, I was able to successfully tick off all my objectives except 1/3 of the windshield wipers I bought. I gotta go return one cuz I bought the wrong kind of rear wiper. That’s fine though cuz I, at least, have one on there. It’s just shitty cuz the rubber part of it has fallen off so now the wiper’s kinda scraping instead of wiping. It still, somewhat, does the trick so I’m not worried. Besides, I rarely get too much water on my back windshield since it’s not slanted like my front one is.
Okay, I need to finish this up. I’m going over to Beau’s house and hanging out. I’m still not sure on whether I’ll be staying the night or if I’ll come home. Tomorrow, I’m doing a scene on Nigel’s movie. It’s about vampires and detectives.
Woah, I typed 2010 instead of 2020 for a second there.
So, I just woke up and it’s currently 9:28 AM which means that B (the other Breakfast Attendant at work) is just starting to close up and she’ll be outta there in roughly 2 hours. Boy, it felt good to not have to wake up at 3:15 AM. It’s gonna be even better tonight because I’ll be spending the night at Beau’s place so I can relax a bit easier. Granted, I’d be more relaxed in my own home if it wasn’t falling apart. Also, the fleas are starting to come back and last night I killed one of those small outside spiders. Terminix will be coming soon, but I might call them for an earlier appointment so they can bomb for the fleas. I just hate it cuz you have to be out of the house for 4 hours. So does every living creature. Oreo can just go do his outside thing but Alfie and the Gerbils will have to be moved somewhere comfortable for the time being. The last time they bombed for fleas I went over to Brendan and Sarah’s house so I’m kinda thinking of asking them to do that again. I may just spend the night with them next week or something. I’ll figure it out.
Nickie G and I are still looking into some places to move into. It’s a bit harder to do since she still hasn’t found another job. It’s kind of annoying since I told her she better start actually looking for a job before the end of the temp UPS job she’s had for the past month or so. The temp job hasn’t called her in the past two weeks so, we screwed if this keeps up. See, I know if I asked her if she’s been looking she’d tell me yes and remind me of the Distillery which is a bare-boned bar across the tracks from the Pub in Downtown Opelika that my friend Zoe and I saw a rat in and “fondly” called him Steve. Thing is, she’s been with this guy named Nathan the past three days and don’t get me wrong, I’m super happy she’s found a guy to treat her the way she deserves, but next months’ bills are gonna hit us before we know it and I ain’t about to pay them myself. Damn, Mr. Dunn would have killed my grade with that word.
10:37 AM Update because Nickie G literally just woke up like 2 minutes ago. She has an Open House interview with Aldi on Friday which is one of those “save the Earth” stores where you bring re-usable bags in for your groceries and you have to carry a quarter around with you if you want to get a buggy. Granted, you get the quarter back as long as you put the buggy back in its’ designated place which is sad that people don’t do to begin with. I’m really hoping she gets this job because I’m not only tired of her only getting temp jobs, but I’m sure we’ll HAVE to move to the Opelika/Auburn area now. I say this because I’ve been thinking of moving to Montgomery or Tallassee but this pushes different.
I’ve also been thinking about internships and taking classes at Auburn, again. Yesterday, I was washing dishes at work when it hit me: if I get more hours (i.e. make roughly $600 a paycheck) I could start putting money aside to take a class or two here and there to push for my writing degree. Not only that, but I’d be qualified to partake in some of Auburn’s internships and maybe I could get the boat sailing from there. I would literally just need 2 more hours a day at work and I could start the race. Now, I just gotta figure out how to convince Bossman to let me be a full-time employee instead of part-time. If that doesn’t work, then I will quit but I don’t want to give up the job without asking first. One of the things I hate about new jobs is having to learn the whole process. Once I get good, all my anxiety washes away. I just hate the process to arrive at that point.
I have to admit that I’m still struggling with the anticipation anxiety of seeing Beau. It never fails to hit me when we have plans to meet. There’s always anticipation of us having sex which I want to have (don’t get me wrong) but the build up to have it is horrible on my stomach. I literally will have stomach aches until we do it and then I feel this amazing release (not to be confused with orgasming) and I’m immediately 10x more comfortable with him. I love that feeling and I wish it was always there to begin with but I can’t figure out how to stop the anticipation anxiety from hitting. Judging from the fact that it goes away, I can tell I’m the one making it happen. I just don’t understand how to get it to stop. I haven’t told him about it either cuz I don’t want any extra worrying going on.
I really need to get ready and maybe do a little “at the swings” chilling but I’m having a hard time getting a move on. Mainly cuz I want to do some shaving and that literally takes up like all the hot water and then some and no one likes a cold shower.
I’ve been thinking about letting Beau and Q in on my blog but I know there’s at least one post I’ll have to hide about getting married. There’s no way I want Beau in on that so early into the relationship. Granted, we are almost in at 7 months. I think 10 months and up is a good amount of time to even think about talking about marriage but not in a serious kind of way. Just in like a hypothetical way and maybe after a year or so, just kind of lay down an idea about it. Like, “maybe we can get married after schooling is done or maybe after we move in together” type talking. Not so much “lets just get married one day”. Kind of like setting up a line of not talking about it seriously until a certain point.
Today was rough. It didn’t start out that way. Actually, I had a great day at work. But an hour after I left work, everything just went downhill. I was trying to pay 2 bills while using McDonald’s Wi-Fi: my AUM bill and my water bill, when an old man came up to me and asked if I owned the blue Honda outside. I do, so I said yes. He then told me my right rear tire was flat. My face felt a mixture of hot and cold for a little while, I just ignored the problem. I had already paid the water bill but was, also, stressing over the fact that AUM’s payment site wouldn’t load for me. Eventually, I gave up and was forced to deal with the flat. So, I called up Nickie G. who was thankfully in the area to help me out. She was actually in the area because she’d finally went on a great date and had good sex. I’m so happy for her because she’s been in such a rut with shitty guys. Anyway, to cut the tire thing short cuz I’m absolutely tired of talking about it, I got two nails in my passenger side tires. The rear one was actually punctured so I had to get it patched but thankfully the front tire was fine. Although, now I’m all paranoid that my tires are going to go flat on me.
So, the thing I did want to talk about: the idea of marriage and whether I want it with Beau or not. The main reason I bounced into the topic from the one I had earlier about finding freelance jobs is because I’m still binging Sex in the City and I’m at the part where Charlotte goes haywire about getting married. At first, I kind of fell into the deep end of the idea because I was already thinking about the way he could ask me to marry him and the ring. I’d decided about halfway through my shift that I like the idea of the two of us mutually talking about getting married first. That way he knows I won’t say no. Then, maybe he could just randomly ask the question while we’re watching TV or laying in bed. And if he wants to buy an engagement ring, he can. I like the idea of them, but only because I’m still, somewhat, materialistic. I like the small ones too because they don’t get in the way and it’s a bit harder to break the gems out. I know at one-point Q, Beau, and I talked about one of those plain bands and apparently Q doesn’t like them. I don’t remember if I ever had the chance to put my 2-sense in about them but I’d be fine with one. So anyway, I finally started at the beginning of where I should have. I thought about it: “Why do I want to get married? What would be different from before I was married to now? I’ve been against the idea of marriage for years so what’s different now?”
The thing is, in Sex in the City they ask themselves these questions all the time. They dig deep down when it’s not even really necessary. That’s why I’m struggling because which question is really necessary? I’ve tried to answer them in the best way I can but I’m still not sure if I’m overthinking or not. I mean, I love Beau, so why not get married one day? There isn’t anything wrong with getting married cuz you love someone. Yesterday, mom told me that sometimes I may get annoyed with Beau for always trying to help me but he does it as one of the many ways to show me he loves me. What if me thinking about marriage is one of the ways I can show him and he can show me that we love each other? Isn’t that why everyone else gets married? And there’s nothing wrong with a change. If we ever get married, it could still be the same thing. The relationship would still be going but we’d be on another level.
Now I’m saying all of this but don’t be fooled. I don’t want to get married right this minute. 6 months is too soon for me. I know a few married couples and they all got married at different times. Mine just happens to need to be later in the relationship.
Oh! Before I go to bed, I need to add something that stopped me in my tracks. Before I’d thought about the idea of even getting married, I always had a recurring thought that’s incredibly depressing: I just want to die. I have that thought because I don’t have much going for me right now and I’m feeling dramatic. Also, I may be depressed but I won’t put a nail in that tire until the therapist agrees with me. So back to my initial thought. I haven’t thought about that depressing sentence in a while. I haven’t wanted to. I’ve got more to look forward to in my life. I’ve got Beau, I’ve got Nickie G and I moving (one of these days), I’ve got all these new experiences to look forward to and it’s so weird. I’m actually looking forward to things and one of them happens to be the idea that one day, I may get married.
Did I tell you mom likes Beau? I’m sure I did. But yeah. She likes him.