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Welcome!

I don’t know exactly how to start this introduction, so I’ll jump right into it! I go by IffyBiffy for two reasons: 1) A big part of the Username was a nickname my Mimi used to call me 2) and I’m almost always Iffy about something! I’m totally up for sharing about my problems with anxiety and the constant fight to keep my dark clouds away! Don’t be afraid to reach out to talk about either! 🙂

2-16-20

It’s been somewhat of a hectic few days since I last posted. I need to elaborate on my rainy phone situation and remind anyone new to the site that I don’t have Wi-Fi at the shit hole that I live in. All because a certain, what did my friend Leilani call him, bum isn’t bothering to get a job to help out with the hotspot HE bought. The device is literally in his name and he can’t even be bothered to come up with the money for the damn thing. Nickie G and I did for a while before we realized how fruitless it was for us to be paying for the Wi-Fi he was also using. I’m so tired of him doing absolutely nothing, being half the reason, our electricity bill can’t go under $175. The other half is due to the freezing temperatures hitting every corner of this shit trailer with its shit holes and shit setup.

Can you tell I’m not in the greatest mood?

Allow me to elaborate the rainy phone situation and, now, our kitchen sink-less situation. So, back on the 12th of this month, also known as Wednesday, I dumbly went outside without putting my waterproof case on my phone. In my defense, I didn’t know it was going to rain hard until about an hour after I’d set up at my favorite spot, also known as The Swings. The Swings are a part of the same land that a church and my dad’s grave sit on that is walking distance from my shitpit. I go there when I need to cool off or I just feel like being creative without actually having to do anything but swing and listen to music. Back to the story. It rained, hard. My phone was in my backpack but it was one of those packs that doesn’t zip. It clips shut which leaves two gaps on the edges just big enough for water to get in and ruin and already slowly dying iPhone 6. I lost lots of things that day and I’ve been able to recover most of them thanks to an almost forgotten iPod but this means that I am now stuck with one of my old Straight Talk phones and I can’t even activate the darn thing without one or two things happening: 1) I have to change my number which I’m trying everything to prevent and will, still, most likely have to do and 2) I have to buy a new phone plan. Thing is, this will NOT be my permanent replacement phone until I can afford the actual phone I’ve been drooling since a few months ago. I’d rather buy an ok replacement phone that tides me over long enough to get said drool-y phone. I did just that this morning, just before my shift at work. I went onto Straight Talk’s phone section and purchased a refurbished Samsung Galaxy J3 Orbit which put me, roughly, $60 in the hole if I include the phone plan and Free 2-day shipping (and those damn taxes). I can, somewhat, afford this since I still keep a close eye on my bank account. Actually, since Wednesday, that’s a lie. I haven’t been on my account due to the fact that I don’t like going to the bank and every time I go online to check; they HAVE to text my rainy phone for a confirmation code. I wonder if I can ever get those missing text messages I’ve had from these past 4 days.

Next situation. The kitchen sink-less situation isn’t going to be fixed so this is more of a rant than a problem with a foreseeable solution. Actually, I have flex seal (which works wonders by the way) but I have no energy to put into this “house”. I’ll make this one quick since I’d rather talk about my date night with Beau from the other day. Basically, a certain humongous rat chewed through a pipe (one of those rubbery ones. Don’t judge, I can’t remember what they’re called all of a sudden) so I flex sealed it since it didn’t seem like a big deal. Wrong idea. I came back the next day and it was working great. Within, say, 12 hours there was a new problem. I can only assume what happened was all the water pressure moved to another pipe (this one, not rubbery) and it made an even bigger mess. Only good news I can give is that it doesn’t appear to be leaking when the water is off. Or, at least, not much. Still, the water bill is going to haunt me, I know it. Instead, I’ve been using the sink in the bathroom Nickie G and I share. Only a couple extra steps more to avoid a flood in a “house” with already rotting floors. Fun.

Speaking of fun, I had that 2 days ago on Valentines Day. Is there supposed to be an apostrophe after the E in Valentines? I can’t look it up since I’m just a sad guy (gal) with no Wi-Fi. I know I won’t bother to make too many changes when I finally get around to posting this, hopefully tomorrow. I miss how I used to could just put things on my iPhone and then when I got to work the next day, I’d have them posted. I suppose I could do that with my iPod. It does hold all my music and there are a few things I’d like to look into using work’s Wi-Fi. I wanted to look up some stuff today, mostly on Straight Talk, but work has been busy the past two days. What can I expect with it being a weekend at a hotel? We had a choir and a baseball team. Essentially saying, we were packed. The good news is everyone was fairly neat (i.e. not leaving trash everywhere) and they were all very polite and respectful. I enjoy groups like that and, for the most part, we get them. Although, one time, we had a family reunion there around the time I was finally given my own housekeeping cart and rooms. I was already anxious about being on my own and making my time when it seemed like every other room I went into, I was interrupted by one of the family members poking their heads out the door to ask for something they would have gotten from me if they’d bothered to wait a little while longer for. It’s always frustrating to think, as well, that you can use your towels for more than one day. And, yet, it seemed like every room wanted new towels midway through the day. Or they’d hang the DND sign which is great for housekeeping, bad for a few hours after we left and Front Desk would be bombarded with calls asking for towels and rags. My “favorite” moment was when a woman asked me to pick up her dirty towels and get her new ones, only to ask me why I wasn’t wearing gloves. Apparently, according to her, I have to be wearing gloves. I just internally rolled my eyes and told her they were in one of my three shirt pouches. (Suck it, I have three shirt pockets) She told me to put them on or she’d spank me like one of her children. I found this odd and almost asked her who she thought she was. Thank goodness I stopped. I would never have heard the end of it. I just ignored the comment and walked away.

Wait, wait, wait. I’m getting off topic again. My date with Beau. It was wonderful. I had to work that morning and didn’t get off until about noon-thirty. I put on a cute flower dress I posted on here a few entries ago and my boss picked at me because he’s never seen me in “casual clothes”. He must have forgotten I was wearing a dress for the Christmas Party which he hosted. Anyway, Beau and I met at the less crowded movie theater and watched Dolittle. It was hilarious and great. I only had one complaint: Robert Downey Jr. looked like he was lip-syncing his words and a slightly different voice came out, instead. It threw me, but I still enjoyed it. After the movie, we ate at an amazing restaurant where we were both entertained and fed. I’m still low-key mad because I left my leftovers at his house, exactly like I warned him I would. He said he’d remind me but he forgot too. We were both tired. I knew how bears felt after we got back from the restaurant. All I wanted to do was take a nap but I had work in the morning, so I couldn’t stay the night.

I’m frustrated we haven’t had much opportunity to talk since then but it’s no one’s fault, really. Okay, it’s kinda mine. My phone’s off so I haven’t been able to message him once work is over with and by that point, he’s either at work or just waking up. I’m hoping to have everything fixed by Wednesday. That’s my last day off of my, given, two days so I want things to be fixed even more. I just have tomorrow to work which is nice. According to my sources, tomorrow won’t be too busy. I wonder what stuff I can do once I get off work. I always think that I have such a big possibility to get things done since I’m done with work by 11am on the weekdays. I could work on my project for Grayson. I could go see Grayson. I could go to one of the few places with free Wi-Fi and use it to deal with anything pertaining to the internet. I could study the lines Nigel gave me for my next scene which I’ve been horribly putting off. Like my gym membership. It’s just chilling while it takes $10 out of my account every month. Only reason I haven’t canceled is because I use their showers every so often and with my house falling apart, I want to have a back up way to be clean. At least, until I finally move. Also, I really need to get to the pile of books by my bed. I put them in a neat little basket to keep them all in one place in case Oreo decides he wants to remind me he’s a cat, again, and knock over my drink. At least, it’ll get on the basket and not the books this time.

I need to wrap this entry up. I’m fighting sleep and making it worse with some much-needed chamomile.

2-11-20

Having a rough time this week. Like one of my friends said “When it rains, it pours.” Not getting much back from taxes, so barely gonna be able to fix my car. Now, my water is acting up, my roommates still don’t have jobs, and my phone was water damaged. Now, I’m waiting for a Sim card within the next couple of days so I can get an old phone working. I’ll just have to figure out what to do after that. I’m really hoping my Iphone can make it through the water damage since it wasn’t that bad. It’s currently sitting in a bowl of rice.

I’m gonna make this short because I’m sitting with my mom at her house to steal her Wifi to make this post and message on Facebook.

Mom also just commented on me typing so I know she wants me to hurry up.

2-7-20

I just got finished listening to dad’s tape. I gotta say, hard stuff. I was sure I was gonna cry but I didn’t. Instead, I kept noticing when dad’s voice would get shaky and when he’d get a little quieter. Like when a kid is asked to apologize for something they don’t want to apologize for. The topic was tough for him but his therapist said he needed to talk about it so instead of telling everyone multiple times, he just recorded it once. Of course, I’m sure he talked about it, but knowing him, it probably wasn’t enough times. I remember when I was a kid, I would ask dad why his leg wasn’t working all that well. I got told he was in an accident and also that he was hurt while in the army. Both were lies but were good enough that I never asked about it again until after he passed.

On a lighter note, it was my older brother’s b-day the other day! Wish the guy a happy birthday in the comments if you want to. Don’t ask how old he’s turning. Never ask a Mann how old their turning. It’s rude.

Also, other good news is that I’m not doing terribly at front desk like I thought I would. Once I master this shift, I need to learn how to do a laundry room shift and I’ll have learned how to do everything I can do. Cuz I can’t do maintenance or anything to do with manager stuff. I’m hoping to get a good raise after my 6-month review. That’s coming up at the end of the month although they haven’t said anything about it. Or maybe they mean like 6 months into the year, you get a review, and then another 6 until you quit or get fired… or die. Whichever comes first.

The Project!

I’ve recently decided to start a new project. This being because I’m bored and also cuz it’s a project I’ve been thinking about for about a year or so, now.

I have always wanted to write about my dad and this past year I told a few people about the idea and even gave them some of the details. Those people have been pestering me to write this book so here goes something.

My plan for this book is to gather as much information as I can on my dad and throw it all together for the world (and specifically my nephew) to read. Then, if the book actually gets finished, I’ll worry about a movie.

Big dreams. Big things.

I met and interesting woman named Car the other day

So, some of you may remember that I work at a hotel; therefore, I meet lots of people. Most of the time, I meet people in passing and don’t even go as far as learning their names because neither of us will most likely see each other again. Still, I get a few people here and there that tell me their life stories and I enjoy hearing about them. This past week, I met Car. She’s an incredibly outgoing and gentle woman. A lot of people would refer to her as a hippy. I can see why as she prefers herbal remedies to prescriptions and loves to grow anything she can plant. And she’s super good at it, too. I told her once, while working a Houseman shift, that I have difficulty with plants because I suck at being consistent. She told me about one of her plants, a pregnant onion. (I’ve read the word pregnant so many times I keep thinking it’s normal. I need to lay off dad’s blog entries about mom’s pregnancy) So, Car offered to give me a seedling of said plant in an effort to prove me wrong and I accepted because I have always wanted to have a green thumb. After work, I headed up to her room and we talked for, roughly, an hour or so before I had to leave and hang out with mom. 

Firstly, it felt really weird being in a guest’s room and not on the clock. I was glad she decorated the place to her comfort because it helped stop me from remembering that this was a hotel room that I have probably had to clean before. Secondly, Car’s dog Misty is one of my new favorite dogs (right up there with my dog, Hime- Nigel’s dog, and Penny- Brendan’s dog). Misty warmed right up to me once I sat down on Car’s bed with them. Third, Car gave me some herbal supplements to try out for sleep and anxiety. I’m excited to try them but I always get worried about their effects on me because some vitamins don’t like that I don’t enjoy eating when I take them. I guess I could try them over dinner one night. 

So, Car brought up some pretty neat points throughout us talking and one of them was that you are the one who makes your day. Now, I have found that people like Car ~energetic af~ tend to make my day because they help me out of the shell, I tend to put myself in during some of my more tense shifts. People like her that are more outgoing and quicker to compliment make people’s day 80% better. And don’t fact check me. I just made that number up. Regardless, Car is right. And as much as I would love to count on her “Hey Babe” greetings every morning, I need to grab the reins of the morning. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with trying to help others out with a compliment or an even better attitude. I tend to copy those attitudes once they’re brought around me. I’m still bad about taking on people’s vibes. It’s something I need to work on since no one wants cranky staff during their hotel stay. 

Okay, but I need to go to bed before I fall asleep sitting up. So, until next time, see you on-line.

2-5-20

I apologize for the silence, again. The other day I got this wonderful idea to start a project for my nephew, Grayson. It all started when I was sitting on the blue swing (because the color is important) at the church that’s walking distance from my house. My dad’s grave is there so sometimes I swing by for visits, and also to swing. While doing so, I was thinking about how I don’t believe anyone who has lost someone will ever 100% be okay and then my brain reminded me of that Disney movie, Coco,where anyone who is forgotten about in the afterlife just completely disappears and for a millisecond I freaked out. It was that plus my heart rate already flying thanks to 2 cups of coffee and a Monster (Monster, I will totally sponsor you). I thought “Well, what if dad is forgotten” and then I jumped up from the blue swing and ran to my dads grave where I promptly told him I was writing a book about him. Actually, I told him I had an idea for a movie and this is important because before dad died, we agreed to make a movie together. Well, I admitted that the only reason I had the movie idea was cuz he’s dead but I digress. I decided to start with the book and maybe progress to a movie. But, only if Woody Harrelson up for the role as my dad. 

So, I ran back home, literally threw my laptop down on my bed and spit together 3-4 pages of the beginning of the book. I don’t know how long this book will be or what size to print the pages, but I’ll get to that once it becomes more evident that this project isn’t a phase. I really want to do this for Grayson. He won’t get to meet the guy unless the afterlife is a real thing and the two ends up there together. In that case, Grayson needs to know about dad to understand the family’s fucked up sense of humor. I mean, first of all, dad was fucking shot and what that has to do with anything I’m typing right now is unclear to me. I don’t know. It’s past midnight and I’m running on fumes. I just got finished reading dad’s blog posts from his website he created when he found out mom was pregnant with Tristan and I. I would imagine there would have been a website for Brendan (older brother), as well, if dad had the resources and time during those years prior to us. 

I’m going to go drink a cup of coffee with less creamer in it to force myself to taste the caffeine cuz that’s how it works, right? Also, I need to force myself to write a post I’ve been meaning to do for a couple days now.

Now to use the new farewell I stole from dad’s website about Tristan and I. “See you on-line”

I have a Valentine’s Dress and a new thought

All of this cuz of one woman at the Harvest Thrift Super Center. I went there to shop for some cute but professional front desk clothes and I ended up with a pair of black dress pants and a beautiful sleeveless flower pattern dress. I had such a hard time finding those pants. Out of the 9 I tried on, the one I bought was the only pair that fit. I had an even worse time with the shirts. They all looked hideous except one but it showed my bra straps so I sadly had to put it back.

However, upon my search for fitting pants, a woman came out of the dressing room in this really cute flower pattern dress and I complimented it. I didn’t think much of it and went on my way. After a while, I was back at the dressing room, again, to try on shirts and the same woman offered me her room since she was leaving and asked if I wanted to try on the dress.

“I mean, yeah, sure. It’s cute.”

I said something like that, took the dress, and saved it for last to try on. At the time, I was certain I was gonna have to put the dress back because most dresses that tend to be stretchy don’t fit me that well. They give me a weird lumpy look but this one did not. I was tempted to get a pic in it but I wanted to be out of that thrift store faster. I don’t particularly care for Christian music and that’s all they played, cuz it’s a Christian thrift store. Anyway, I decided then and there that I would buy the dress because it was my “traveling pants” and thanked the woman who gave the dress to me.

After she clapped and said “yes” like she’d scored a point in a game, I thought about how nice she was. She didn’t know me and, yet, she’d helped me with a dress and even cleared out her dressing room so I could go ahead and use it.

I saw her again as she was checking out. It was weird fate that I ended up standing behind her in line. I’d just gone to that line out of desperation because it was shorter. The woman gave off this “sweet and gentle” vibe that always catches me off guard. I usually only see people like that in movies so meeting one in real life is somewhat shocking. How can someone be so nice to people they don’t know? I can only assume they are a people person.

I’m not saying I expect everyone to be buttholes but I don’t expect someone to help me and still be smiling 30 minutes later. It’s almost freaky how some people can be so genuinely happy for hours and show it so enthusiastically.

I don’t know. I know this post is probably gonna come off as weird but it’s just what I was thinking. Also here’s a crappy shot of the dress. I tried my best, somewhat.

1-31-20 My brain is fog

One day I hope to give my friends and family the same hospitality they have always offered me. I will give them a warm bed or a comfy couch with blankets of their choosing. I will give them nice meals with choices so they actually eat something that isn’t cheap and it’ll be something THEY want. If they need it, I can supply them with that good internet and maybe even a few consoles if they like gaming. Just something they can have fun with. My home will be clean and warm and, at least, decorated enough that it doesn’t look like a cheap motel. 

Okay, enough groggy typing. I just woke up to my back and my legs soaking wet. I didn’t really feel the wetness so much as I felt cold. I was just confused by the fact that I was still cold, somehow, even though my heater’s on full blast and my comforter was completely covering me. Except, it was also wet… with dog pee. My dog, Alfie, has been using the bathroom (only number 1, thankfully) on my bed for a little while, now. It’s not every time but more once every so often, except for one night when he peed twice. I have a strong feeling he’s gettingold and his bones are hurting him. He’s roughly 10 years old if the vet is correct. They had to take a stab at his age because we’d gotten him from a classmate who told me Alfie had been dropped off at his house. Anyway, it has been a good minute since Alfie has been to a vet because of money issues and the fact that I suck with money (who the fuck let me be an adult), so I decided that I will slap myself in the face and take Alfie and my cat, Oreo, to the vet when my income tax comes in. I would just go ahead but my credit card is in awful shape right now and it’s the only extra money I have. Here’s the thing, though. I’m worried about Alfie. I’ve already talked about his age and bone problems, but another thing I worry about is that when we first got him, we ended up using a large amount of our taxes for Alfie’s heartworm surgery and neutering. I don’t think he’s had any symptoms of heartworms but there’s always that chance since we live out in the woods that he could have it again. That means his lifespan would be shortened. That does NOT make me happy… I don’t know what the vet will say when we all gobut I hope it’s not bad. I feel stupid hoping for that but I’m gonna anyways.

So, personally, I’ve been dealing with some weird symptoms that have been plaguing me for the past few days. My sides hurt randomly and for different amounts of time and pain. My right ear has been faintly throbbing (not painful) at random times, as well. I’ve had a few headaches here and there but those might be from stress. I’ve also been having a little bit of trouble focusing, sometimes. I just end up staring off into space and I’ve already got a crap memory so it just seems a little worse. I can’t tell if I’m sleepier because I usually nap after work. Being up since 330AM isn’t good for anyone. Definitely makes you tired. I felt worse today because I was doing video training for 4 and ½ hours so my head felt so foggy afterwards. I tried staying up a little more by grocery shopping, attempting to fix our sink because a rat got in there, putting 4 rats traps out, paying the water bill, and cleaning. Actually, I even meal planned for the next week. I’m kinda proud of myself because I’m actually eating healthier. It’s apart of my want to change so that I might, eventually, be like those normal people who don’t live their lives through shit-covered lenses.

I’m tired and my head is still hurting so I’m gonna end this post here. I hope y’all are having a better day than I am. I also hope this headache goes away.

1-30-20

Today, I worked like I haven’t in the past couple weeks. Mainly because I’ve been training this new girl and she’s pretty much gotten the hang of everything. So, the next step is to train me on Front Desk. Sadly, I couldn’t start that, today, like I thought I was going to because Bossman wanted me to do the Houseman’s duties which I’ve never done before but they aren’t difficult. You literally get a list of chores to do and finish them. So, it took me a while to do them because I’ve never been a Houseman before but, hey, I did the dang thing. Anyway, I start training tomorrow so at least that’s moving forward.

Another objective that was somewhat moved forward is that Tristan (my twin bro) attempted to find a job today. We’re gonna try again tomorrow. Well, he is because my grandmother is borrowing my car.

Okay, sorry there isn’t much else to post. I haven’t been very eventful other than accidentally teaching my nephew a full sentence. He copied me after I said “How dare you” because he’d done something semi-mean and I was trying to be funny.

1-27-20

I’ve been thinking about buying a gun. And the reason being I just don’t feel safe anymore. I can’t tell if I’m being paranoid because of the recent old newspaper articles I read on my dad’s case or if I’m just naturally this way. Thing is, I’m not sure where to start on getting a gun. There’s a lot more to it than just buying a gun. I need to look into everything and my step dad and brother are trying to help me in terms of choice of gun and where to practice it at. At first, they were looking at .380’s and they even found one with a cute blue coat on it. However, my brother told me he was thinking of giving me our dad’s old pistol. It’s a Smith and Wesson (sp?). Brendan, my bro, said he’d been thinking about giving it to me because he felt that dad would want me to have it because he felt safe with the gun. Although, for dad it was more to lessen his paranoia, I’m sure.

I’ve been trying to deal with my anxiety about starting training, soon, on the front desk. I keep getting nervous that I’ll really fuck up or I’ll be so new that a guest will take it personally that I don’t know what I’m doing and they’ll complain. I don’t handle confrontation well. I either shut down or get really mad. Especially if I’m right about something. Once, I was working at the Pub and an old regular that I never liked tried saying I didn’t write the special of the day on our board near the front of the door but I had. She literally just didn’t see it because she came in, said “hey”, and then walked straight to her seat. Her and her husband were the only people who could call ahead and reserve a seat. They were somewhat picky and were rude to me before I even met them. The old woman had called on one of my first weekends working there and when I said we couldn’t reserve seats, she got an attitude quick simply saying “Well, you do for us” and promptly hung up. She apologized later but wow, what a bitch. Anyway, the day she said I didn’t write the specials, I totally had written them. Even the owner asked me why I didn’t write them. Irritated, I gestured to the sign with clear purple chalk (marker) on it and the old woman acted like she couldn’t read it and that it was my fault cuz I wrote it “too dark”. Sometimes you can’t please people but don’t EVER call me wrong when I’m not. It pisses me off that companies will write their employees up because they were right about something that a guest/customer claimed they were wrong about. I get that you have to stay professional but how do you say “I’m right” without being an absolute dick?

I’m gonna jump to a better topic, one that makes me the good kind of nervous. I’m gonna keep it short because I don’t wanna type about mushy stuff. I’ve passed a barrier that I’ve kept up for a while. I’m more comfortable around my Beau! I’m really starting to feel the butterflies, fam!

Okay, I’m going to get back to watching Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts on Netflix.