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I know what I wanna write about but I don’t wanna write it

I’ve been thinking about how much I enjoy spending time by myself. And I don’t even mean relationship wise. I’ve always liked the idea of building up a chunk of change and driving off to some rando destination and setting up shop wherever I can. I’ve even romanticised living in my car which is kinda not my thing. I need to be able to charge my electronics cuz I’m overly attached to them.

The thing is, I recently learned that my older brother and his family are planning to move to South Carolina, probably after a few more years. My brother and I have always dreamed about living in South Carolina because we’ve had great memories and that’s where a piece of our family that is really important to us lives. My dad’s side of the family still lives there and we have always held them close because they’ve never judged us and have been there for us and we’ve tried to be there for them. It’s difficult when you live so far away from each other, though. My mom’s side of the family has some roots in South Carolina, but they are the epitome of hillbilly and probable incest. I don’t hate my moms family (the ones that live near us), but I don’t really love a lot of them either. Most of them are homophobic or snooty (or both).

I don’t really have a big reason to stick around them, so I’d love to move closer to my dad’s side of the family. The thing is, I have a number of friends, my boyfriend, and my job here, so it feels like I shouldn’t be thinking about jumping ship. I can’t help it, though. South Carolina and the family there are making it very hard to like my current living situation.

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Extroverted? Here’s Some Tips on being Quiet and Reflective (more or less)

Yay it’s story time! Maybe this could be considered Sad Story 2 part 1? … Naaaah.

Here’s a little background before we begin:

No one knows me better than myself and I like to consider myself an ambivert. I don’t feel completely like an extrovert or an introvert. My closest friends haven’t seen nearly half of the”introvert” moments I’ve had compared to the “extrovert”. I’ve always spent a lot of time alone being calm and quiet relaxing in my safe place(s) and I get pretty shy at times. But, when I was growing up (and sometimes even now) it was/is super easy to get me excited and hyped up and crazy with off-the-charts energy.

This was because I didn’t have enough activities and wasn’t allowed nearly enough time to exhaust all my energy and completely express myself (my parents were really strict and sheltered me a lot). I was always kinda jittery and restless like an antsy 5 y/o at the candy store because of this (or at least that’s how I felt others saw me). With me acting this way, a lot of people around me thought I had ADHD. Some friends still do to this day.

Bottom line: I don’t and I know I don’t.

I see so many articles all the time for people that are introverted and ways for them to get out of their comfort zone as well as memes about them being dragged by their extrovert friend into what ever situation that lead to their current friend group. This is unfair to do. You don’t have to have crazy amounts of energy or be around a lot of people a ot of the time to enjoy yourself. Now, that doesn’t mean it’s okay to be by yourself 100% of the time as this can become a severe issue. You do need human interaction- yes your pet is sweet and lovable and enough company for you but this isn’t the same experience as being with another human being.

Instead of forcing our friends into a situation they don’t want to be in, let’s make their surroundings more comfortable.

  1. Your introvert friend probably likes to be left alone. If you think they spend too much time by themselves- relax in the same room with them. Read a book in the opposite corner of the room or put on some head phones. You can be in the same room as your friend a take a nap for all they care and that would be just fine. It can be comforting to know you’re not the only person in a room and that someone you enjoy having around is present. If your friend wants to talk to you, they will. Just chill with them. Maybe just watch some netflix or hulu.
  2. Find plenty of activities that you can burn your energy on. I was in my high school marching band. It helped me discipline and condition my body and pick up good habits. It also gave me an incentive to not have the shittiest grades in my classes. Try exercising or just going for a run when you wake up.
  3. Start a relaxing everyday routine. Go get a massage or have a spa day. Try an herbal bat or just go and soak for a while surrounded by your favorite scented candles. You could take time out of your day to meditate or try yoga. Just give yourself enough time everyday to think about yourself and not other people. Worry about your problems and not others- you cannot please everyone. Take this time to truly reflect. Do you have any personal issues going on that you should probably put more thought into before things get into a situation you can’t return from? Is there anything you need to remember for the day and should jot down in a notebook? Are you interested in taking up a new hobby like working with miniature figurines or cooking/baking?
  4. Go on journeys by yourself. Go for a drive or see a new nearby town/city you haven’t been to before. Go to places you haven’t been before like antique shops or different cafes or anything you wouldn’t typically go to. If you’re able to, go visit someone you’ve been thinking about but haven’t seen in a while (besides your introvert friend who we are trying to give some space to breath). Check up on your other friends.
  5. If you absolutely have to be around other people and be out having the time of your life- find some friends that are in the same boat as you; friends that are also very outgoing and exciting to be around. Just socializing can help burn some energy.
  6. Understand NO. Your friend won’t always want to go out on the town with you or maybe they don’t like being tickled. But when NO or STOP comes in to play, then you should stop and let them do their own thing. Your friend is their own person after all.
  7. If you fidget or need to fiddle with something often, I actually recommend fidget cubes and fidget spinners. They are honestly great anxiety reducing gadgets that I love to distract myself with. If I have my cube in my person and I’m feeling nervous, I just keep it in my hand and play with it until I calm down and get something to drink.
  8. *edit #1* Self control is important. I used to scare away a lot of people that I could have been really great friends with because I was too hyper all the time so it pushed them away. At times it’s hard to control myself because I’ll be so excited or worked up about something, but you have to control yourself. Whenever I visit my friends and I know their other friends will be around, I do my best to stay as collected as I can so that I don’t push away those other people. I want to be friends with my best friend’s friends and so should you. I’m a lot better now about my self control that I was just a few years ago, but I still have my moments where I’m a little too intense. But that’s okay. It’s alright to let it out from time to time. Just not all the time.

I’ve been working on this for a week or two now but I might revise this article occasionally if I have anything else to add. Comment below if there’s anything you want to see added or discussed here!

-Nickie G. over and out!

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Bullet Journals!

*Note: Wow. I’m so sorry guys. I’m 2 days away from officially having gone 2 weeks without posting here. I’ve just been so exhausted. I only work 9-4 at my new job, but I’ve been unemployed for about a month and a half so working again is really taking a toll on me. I just don’t have nearly as much energy any more. *

Hey guys, long time no see! I hope everyone is having an alright or better day today. I know its been a while and I know I tweeted about posting a concealer review which is still under construction ATM (in other words, I lost it and don;t remember how I feel about it). Sorry I’ve been MIA lately, again I just haven’t had anything note-worthy to discuss with you all.

But, I would like to talk about bullet journals! I made one last year and now I’m on the kick again and currently working on a new one. Bullet journals are basically very personalized, colorful planners with mix and match pages of any habits you want to track, dreams you want to jot down, quotes you want scattered around, movie lists galore filled, or whatever else your heart desires. There’s no specific way to set up a bullet journal, you just make it how you want and its set up for each month. Maybe you want to draw a calendar in it and jot down appointments or other important dates. A bullet journal is basically the love child of a planner and a “Wreck-this-journal”. Its just for fun and to help organize things in your own creative way.

Below, I’ve posted a few pictures of my previous journal and while I didn’t fill even half the journal (I got so caught up in other stuff around me I lost track of it and didn’t keep up with it), I did fill a few more pages with notes from when I was working on my bus driving license (class C with passenger endorsement but because of a new deal with the company, next year all the drivers will be retesting for class B with passenger endorsement). I’ll continue to use this old journal for doodles/sketches and scrap paper or to jot down clues from puzzles or what have you. Am I the only one that sometimes likes to write down notes about other characters from a story line to figure out “who done it”? (COMMENT BELOW [please])

For my previous book, if any of the pages fell or or if the colors i was using bled through the page. I would clip some of my other sketches and glue them to the backs of different pages so there was less empty space. Since I was using markers, I could color on both sides of the pages because then it’ll get muddy. So this was just my way of filling the gaps. Then, I would design my schedule differently every week. Maybe I used the same design for a could weeks or change it up and make it fit on a single page instead of two. I also sketched in little habit trackers and chats too keep up with my tips and hours from a restaurant I worked at called Fusion.

A few pages from the old one:

My new journal:

This time I used colored pencils and makers. I haven’t completely filled/finished my calendar and I also started a page to use for Inktober.

-Over and out! Nickie G.

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Japan Crate!

Hey guys! For those of you that don’t know, Japan Crate is a monthly subscription box that comes with all sorts of goodies straight from Japan! They used to be located in California, U.S. but they later transferred into Japan so they could get a hold of actual Japan exclusive items! I ordered their 5th year anniversary crate some time in the beginning of August (when money wasn’t an issue) and had it shipped here since I planned on miving in with Tiff. I also got my hands on the Doki Doki crate which comes with cutesy items. They have different kinds of crate such as the Umai crate which features noodle varieties, Kira Kira for beauty and skin care (how have I not tried this yet!?), Japan crate for ecluside snacks and drinks, and most recently the Gatcha crate that features collectible gachapons- which are little toys in capsules you can get in little vending machines just like the 25 cent candy machines in the U.S.

So here’s what I got in my 5th anniversary crate: A Pineapple Pepsi, mint choco mochi, apple gum with pikachu design, uni potato chips, mango & butter potato chips, koguma gummy (gummy bears), a mini butter cream rolled cake, cool cider mochi, metamol seal (small kids tattoos and ramune candy), red gaburichu (like an apple fruit roll up), hoshinokuni mitsuketa candy (it’s like rock candy), sour cider gummy, grape hi-chew chocoball, chocoball hi-chew, peach sour paper candy (another fruit roll up), super hyarrinko ice gum, and lastly electric gum (energy drink flavor). A whopping 17 items!

Sorry I couldn’t rotate the images but hopefully it isn’t too big of a problem!

Well, since I’m watching what I’m eating I won’t be inhaling this all in one go! Instead, I’ll just savor it through the month and I haven’t tried any of it just yet, Tiff is taking a nap before she goes and visits the little munchkin so I’ll wait for her to get up so she can try it with me!

-Nickie G.

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Good news, sad news

I may not have ever been the biggest fan of my own father, but the grocery store he works at went bankrupt and will be closing in about 60 days. A cashier left and the store is in desperate need of another one (I know, a store closing wouldn’t want to hire more people, right? It’s weird.) but he vouched for me (a one time free pass I guess)and brought me an application. On the upside, I made/will have made an appointment with the manager so that the day I turn in my application I will also pass a drug test and she’ll let me work that same day I come in! Yay, a GUARANTEED job for at least 2 months! (Thanks dad?)

Sadly, its been almost a month and I still haven’t heard from Verizon Victra. The store had already finished remodeling but the DM was dealing with having to fire 2 managers from near by locations before he can show me around the store and interview me. The only other employee besides the GM there vouched for the GM since they both worked at Best Buy together and told me that if the GM said he’ll get me a job there, then he’ll do everything in his power and has always been one to stand by his word and be honest. If he says he’s going to do something, he does it. So why have I STILL not gotten the job after calling and emailing at least once or twice a week EVERY WEEK and being given the same answer? But I can’t sit around and wait for their reply. I need to buckle up, sit up, and get rollin’!

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Welcome!

I don’t know exactly how to start this introduction, so I’ll jump right into it! I go by IffyBiffy for two reasons: 1) A big part of the Username was a nickname my Mimi used to call me 2) and I’m almost always Iffy about something! I’m on here in the hopes of sharing some college tips for anyone who feels they might could prosper from this! 🙂 And I’m totally up for sharing about my problems with anxiety and the constant fight to keep my dark clouds away! Don’t be afraid to reach out to talk about either! 🙂

Communication may be Key, but I preferred to stay locked

I’ve got more things on my mind than my birthday that’s coming up. I know I’m not going to be in the mood for people by then because I’m not in the mood for people now. That’s my logic, anyways. It’s not very soundproof or however you say it, but that’s what I’ve come to learn about myself. My boyfriend will be disappointed since we usually see each other at least once a week, but he’ll have to understand. If I force myself to be around people when I am desperate for separation, I just bury myself deeper into the pit. The last time I did this, I left his house early because of how drained I felt and cried on the way home. I still can’t seem to bring myself to really talk to him about my random ups and downs. It’s hard when you’ve been alone this long. I can’t exactly say what is scaring me most about talking to him about it. Maybe that he won’t understand or that he’ll take it personally. I think the latter is what I’m worried about most, that he’ll assume it’s his fault that I get so down and he’ll want to try and fix it which there’s always the chance he could worsen it. Of course, it wouldn’t be his fault. None of it is which makes me feel worse because my mood would be affecting him.

I’ve tried looking into what could be wrong with me but I’ve been to scared to do any self-diagnosing. I can’t pinpoint what it could be, either. My symptoms aren’t on point with anything specific.

I’ve come to realize that I’m everything like my dad, especially in talking about my feelings. I tend to bury them because they make me sad, so in turn, they’ll make others sad. I don’t like spreading it like some disease. I would like to talk to a psychologist about it though. I want to understand what’s wrong so maybe I can take control faster. Maybe I can start feeling like I have a chance in life, again.

If anyone would have anything, they can add to this, maybe that they’ve felt something similar, I’d really appreciate it. I feel so cruel when I cancel on friends or tell them I just don’t feel like hanging out. They tell me they understand and feel the same way sometimes, but it never seems to be the same extent as mine.

I sound like a poor Scrooge

Spending money I barely have on Christmas presents is a chore! The main reason for this is that I suck at buying Christmas presents throughout the year. I started off okay, grabbing a present or two here and there but I still have to buy at least 8 more Christmas presents before I’m mostly done. Why do I do this to myself every year? I could be smart and think ahead but nooo, I have to start shopping two months beforehand. Shopping has been difficult, too, since I don’t have WiFi. I’ve been having to plan when to steal other places internet just so I can order the dang things.

Send Help, Everyone!

Stepping out of my comfort zone ~Rated M for Mature

I’ve mentioned in a few of my posts that I have been dating someone and that I’ve had a hard time really opening up to him. It has, mainly, been because of my past experiences. I’ve been trying to push past them because I can’t hide behind them forever. Dodie would never accept that of me (ha). Anyway, about a month ago, he started really throwing some hard ball hints of wanting to have sex and I had, oddly enough, told myself that I really didn’t want to leave his house on that specific day until we’d had sex. The funny thing was, I had to leave at a specific time because I was about to babysit my nephew for the first time. Instead, I stayed almost a whole extra hour having sex and then talking. Like wow, how grown up am I? Don’t answer that…

The experience wasn’t bad. It, also, wasn’t as awkward as I expected it to be, but I’ve come to the conclusion that was because I let him take the reins. I will admit, I felt closer to him after our first time. I even talked with a few of my friends who told me they, too, felt closer to their beaus. I can say that I’m not in love, yet. I feel like that’s a topic for another day.

My next goal is to be a bit more open on giving my boyfriend tips to help me enjoy having sex. Send some good vibes my way.

Peace out!

Life without internet is fine… Till I have to look something up

It’s been a little while without internet! It feels like it has been at least a month! I’m sitting in a bookstore, stealing some of their wifi just so I can post this. I made sure to purchase a hot cocoa and a few Christmas presents that way I don’t feel so bad.

I still live in the middle of nowhere, so reception is really spotty and I don’t want to wait 15 minutes for a web page to load like I had to do yesterday. You see, what happened was that Terminix came for their usual visit and I let them know about our little rat problem that we’ve been dealing with for a bit now. They set out a glue trap and did their usual routine. After they left, I took a 4-5 hour nap (don’t judge me, I was up since 3:15AM for work) and when I woke up, I heard the familiar squeak of a small animal. I checked the trap and sure enough, there was a small rat stuck in the glue. Now, I’ve used glue traps before when we used to have a problem with a mouse that was taking a tour through our cabinets. I don’t like glue traps because they smell awful and are cruel. So, I devised a plan to set the rat free a mile or so away from the house, but I had to get it out first. I consulted the internet, which took roughly 15 minutes for the page to load most of its information. It was enough for me to be able to make an educated guess on how to get the rat out. I got a box, a rag, and some baby oil and got to work. I would have used gloves like a civilized person but I’m not that smart because we’ve been out of gloves for some time now. You can really tell how much I clean our house. Anyway, about 10 minutes in, the rat was free and watching me from the bottom of the cardboard box.

Another kicker, I am still not smart because I tried petting the rat. Actually, I succedded and gave its butt a good scratching. It didn’t do a lot of moving at first but after a while it got fiesty enough that it tried to escape the box. Actually… it did escape and I had to recapture it. By that point, I was fed up with having the rat in my midst so I “took it to God,” as my family likes to say. I just drove up to our church and walked a little ways into the woods and let it loose. Maybe it won’t get into the church…

Anyway, I almost forgot the point of this post. Basically, I miss having WiFi and I can’t do a hotspot on my phone. Apparently, it’s too old and Straight Talk doesn’t offer a cheap mobile hotspot plan with more than a handful of gigabytes of data. I am an internet surfer and require more than just a few waves of gigabytes, thank you very much.

I need to wrap this post up. I’m tired from work and donating plasma and I just want to crawl up in my bed and re-watch more episodes of Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman. P.S. Anybody else think there are some really nice looking dudes on that TV show? I mean, even Loren isn’t bad looking. Casting A+!

Being in this relationship can be confusing

There are so many times when I think about the relationship I’m in being a bit much for me. I feel expected to want to be around my boyfriend all the time and any time we are alone, I become anxious because I know he’s thinking about sex. We’ve done it a couple times but I don’t get a lot out of it and after it I just feel awkward. Sometimes I’ll tell him I just don’t want to be touched and, for the most part, he’ll respect that. One of the times I told it, I was in pain from my period and he’d ask how I was feeling and give me a hug every once in a while which was nice but not what I’d wanted to begin with.

I get that lust is fairly normal for people but it’s so uncool when you don’t feel like being objectified and then someone comes along and talks about your butt. Woohoo… I have a butt. Okay.

Of course, there are other times when I do miss him and want to cuddle up to him. I’ll even want sex but I’ve noticed those times are whenever he isn’t around or when I’m drunk (sometimes both). I don’t like that I usually want these things when he isn’t around. It feels unfair to the both of us.

I apologize for the silence, so I’m gonna break it.

For some reason, this shitty thought floated through my head some hours ago. I was laying on my boyfriend’s lap while we watched Castlevania and a thought just… drifted into my head. I was feeling weary and my brain just says, “This would be a good time in your life if you died.” A vacant feeling settled in almost the entire time I was there with him. I don’t understand where this came from and there’s a bit of it still lingering in me as I’m sitting at home, now.

What’s happening to me?

I can, somewhat, answer that but not completely.

I have a tendency to plan as much as I can in my life. I feel less anxious with a plan in hand. And because of this, I’ve been feeling very upset that my latest plan isn’t going into action.

To start with, let me give you some background info on what’s happening. So, I’ve always lived in a very wooded area where I don’t get the best internet, I rarely get phone calls and when I do get them, I have to stand outside or by a specific window, and the worst of it all, you can’t get delivery out here! I’m just kidding (I’m not), it’s that it takes me over 30 minutes just to get to work everyday. I have to save almost $100 each paycheck just for gas. I’m not kidding! So, obviously, I want to move. My roommate and I both do and before she moved into this shitty trailer that literally has fucking mold on the ceiling, we were looking at apartments to rent. Then she lost her job and I quit mine only to realize I wasn’t going to school. How amazing am I at planning my own life, right? Anyway, I also have a twin brother who does absolutely nothing with his life. I kid you not, he lives in his room and only comes out to use the restroom and get a PB&J sandwich. He used to have a job but he stopped showing up for it and he has been asking for money a lot recently. I’m finally so done with it that I’ve let him know that if he can’t get his act together, then he is just going to be living with no power, water, or WiFi after Nickie G and I inevitably move out. It’s so sad and infuriating to me that he’s basically just been taking from my family and I. My mom and step dad bought all his medication and paid for his doctor’s visits cuz he has anxiety like the rest of the family and IBS, my brother has tried helping him find jobs, and I’ve been paying for some of his bills and giving him money whenever he needs it. We’re all done, though. The thing was, he seemed like he was making progress on Monday. I offered him $20 for gas money and some food money and said he NEEDED TO USE IT TO GET A JOB! And he agreed, took it, and came back a few hours later with just food and no job. He told me the same place he worked at before wouldn’t hire him cuz his license is expired. Which is a weird thing on it’s own cuz he’s only had his license for 2 years and according to the DMV they are good for 4 years. I let him know all he had to do was call up the DMV and fix that mistake. However, he has, yet to do that. Wanna know how I know that? Because his phone has been off for a few months so anytime he needed to make a phone call, he used my phone. He hasn’t asked for it, yet and is still just chilling in his room playing more video games. So, this was it. This was my last chance to hope that he’d turn around and we could start splitting the bills 3 ways. Tomorrow, our WiFi is going to be turned off because I refuse to pay another month just for him to sit around and do nothing all day. I’ll be using Books-A-Millions WiFi until Nickie G and I come across something else.

Anyway, enough backstory. My plan to get the three of us into a new apartment after my brother and roommate would inevitably get a job has failed and I was left without a plan. I’m, once again, the only one with a job and if no one gets a fire under their butts then I’m gonna be left paying the bills by myself, again which has put me in a bad mental state. That is until just an hour or so ago. I’m currently formulating another one but that’s for another paragraph. So, after my brother told me he didn’t get a job, I about blew up on him. My perfect plan of the three of us having jobs and having a nice apartment near said jobs wasn’t rolling into place! How was I supposed to get out of this shit pit that I’ve had to call home for just about my entire life? I’m tired of living with fleas, mold, holes in the floor and wall, rats, neighbors that asked for too much, etc. I literally almost started crying over this. I’m tired of living in a place that isn’t structurally sound and sucks the life out of everyone that lives here!

But then, I just learned that Nickie G is about to have cell phone service again which means a few things: She will be able to start looking for jobs again, she can get back to doing DoorDash for some extra $$$, and we can start (possibly) looking for a new place to live where it’s the two of us and not three. So, the plans in my head are starting to roll again and I’m left feeling a lot less attacked by the lack of emotion on my brother’s face whenever I tell him he needs to find a job and help out more. I’m absolutely done with him and his bull shirt (Ha ha, The Good Place) and I can’t wait to move away from him.

So, thank you for reading this far into my new update on life and I promise I have more to come. Once again, I apologize for the silence as I have not been in a good mental place to write but I do have more to update on. Until then, I hope everyone is having a better day than me!

Would you guys and gals like to hear an EVP?

A little backstory to this post: Back around 2010, I was church hopping with my mom and some friends. We were following a pastor and his wife as they struggled to find a good church. At the time, we were at this church off of Highway 280 in Alabama and I can’t remember who told me, but someone had said that the church was known for being haunted. At the age that I was, 12-ish, I was very interested in the idea of ghost hunting. It didn’t help that my dad and I used to binge a lot episodes of Ghost Hunters (#Tango4Life). I had one of those shitty slide phones that took me 15 minutes just to type out a sentence but it still had audio recording. It only recorded 60 seconds at a time but I still went with it and recorded as much as I could throughout the time at the church. I got something strange within one of the first recordings.

This was recorded in the downstairs area while I was sitting in with a handful of other kids and a woman while she was leading Sunday school. A few seconds in, you can hear a bit of shouting between the kids and then something very deep sounds as though it might be saying “hush.”

P.S. The clicking sounds on the audio are from my laptop. I didn’t have a USB cable, so I just had to record the audio on my laptop from my phone. Sorry for the shittiness.

After I listened to the audio, I sent it to the pastor who let me know that he was doing another blessing which kind of caught me off guard. Apparently, they had to do a blessing before that I guess didn’t work. I remember a few other odd things happening like doors opening and closing and the rocking chair in the children’s room slightly rocking. It was weird and now that I’m older, I try to find explanations for “ghost videos” so I’m curious to know if anyone has a legitimate explanation. I tried to think it was someone in the room but no one had a deep voice, that I could remember.

Sorry for not posting for a while. I’ve been dealing with writer’s block and then I got sick, gross.

There’s good people, and then there’s me.

For starters, I’m not saying I’m a bad person, I’m just not that good either. So, two things have caused me to really reflect on my behavior and morals. The first was this TV show I’m watching called The Good Place on Netflix, although now that I’m on season 2 I’m not so worried. The second one is just being around my boyfriend, in general. I’ve already said that he’s a gentlemen but, like, he’s so much more. All the other gentlemen out there would quiver under his shadow and he probably doesn’t think that. He’s so kind and just genuinely wants to help everyone. I’d always wondered if he was always like that and when I met his parents, I realized he’d learned it from them. Even though his parents could jokingly pick at him like most do, they’d still stop and ask with utmost respect to “Please open that door for me,” like they were using manners out at a restaurant. My family woulda just nudged their head to the door and I woulda just opened it. Simple as that. But no, he’s hella nice cuz he accepted those teachings from his parents instead of just throwing them out the window and even now that he’s older and he knows he doesn’t have to be so nice, he still chooses to do everything he can to help everyone.

How is it that someone as nice as him, is with someone as cynical as me? Okay, I’m not that bad, but still.