For some reason, this shitty thought floated through my head some hours ago. I was laying on my boyfriend’s lap while we watched Castlevania and a thought just… drifted into my head. I was feeling weary and my brain just says, “This would be a good time in your life if you died.” A vacant feeling settled in almost the entire time I was there with him. I don’t understand where this came from and there’s a bit of it still lingering in me as I’m sitting at home, now.
What’s happening to me?
I can, somewhat, answer that but not completely.
I have a tendency to plan as much as I can in my life. I feel less anxious with a plan in hand. And because of this, I’ve been feeling very upset that my latest plan isn’t going into action.
To start with, let me give you some background info on what’s happening. So, I’ve always lived in a very wooded area where I don’t get the best internet, I rarely get phone calls and when I do get them, I have to stand outside or by a specific window, and the worst of it all, you can’t get delivery out here! I’m just kidding (I’m not), it’s that it takes me over 30 minutes just to get to work everyday. I have to save almost $100 each paycheck just for gas. I’m not kidding! So, obviously, I want to move. My roommate and I both do and before she moved into this shitty trailer that literally has fucking mold on the ceiling, we were looking at apartments to rent. Then she lost her job and I quit mine only to realize I wasn’t going to school. How amazing am I at planning my own life, right? Anyway, I also have a twin brother who does absolutely nothing with his life. I kid you not, he lives in his room and only comes out to use the restroom and get a PB&J sandwich. He used to have a job but he stopped showing up for it and he has been asking for money a lot recently. I’m finally so done with it that I’ve let him know that if he can’t get his act together, then he is just going to be living with no power, water, or WiFi after Nickie G and I inevitably move out. It’s so sad and infuriating to me that he’s basically just been taking from my family and I. My mom and step dad bought all his medication and paid for his doctor’s visits cuz he has anxiety like the rest of the family and IBS, my brother has tried helping him find jobs, and I’ve been paying for some of his bills and giving him money whenever he needs it. We’re all done, though. The thing was, he seemed like he was making progress on Monday. I offered him $20 for gas money and some food money and said he NEEDED TO USE IT TO GET A JOB! And he agreed, took it, and came back a few hours later with just food and no job. He told me the same place he worked at before wouldn’t hire him cuz his license is expired. Which is a weird thing on it’s own cuz he’s only had his license for 2 years and according to the DMV they are good for 4 years. I let him know all he had to do was call up the DMV and fix that mistake. However, he has, yet to do that. Wanna know how I know that? Because his phone has been off for a few months so anytime he needed to make a phone call, he used my phone. He hasn’t asked for it, yet and is still just chilling in his room playing more video games. So, this was it. This was my last chance to hope that he’d turn around and we could start splitting the bills 3 ways. Tomorrow, our WiFi is going to be turned off because I refuse to pay another month just for him to sit around and do nothing all day. I’ll be using Books-A-Millions WiFi until Nickie G and I come across something else.
Anyway, enough backstory. My plan to get the three of us into a new apartment after my brother and roommate would inevitably get a job has failed and I was left without a plan. I’m, once again, the only one with a job and if no one gets a fire under their butts then I’m gonna be left paying the bills by myself, again which has put me in a bad mental state. That is until just an hour or so ago. I’m currently formulating another one but that’s for another paragraph. So, after my brother told me he didn’t get a job, I about blew up on him. My perfect plan of the three of us having jobs and having a nice apartment near said jobs wasn’t rolling into place! How was I supposed to get out of this shit pit that I’ve had to call home for just about my entire life? I’m tired of living with fleas, mold, holes in the floor and wall, rats, neighbors that asked for too much, etc. I literally almost started crying over this. I’m tired of living in a place that isn’t structurally sound and sucks the life out of everyone that lives here!
But then, I just learned that Nickie G is about to have cell phone service again which means a few things: She will be able to start looking for jobs again, she can get back to doing DoorDash for some extra $$$, and we can start (possibly) looking for a new place to live where it’s the two of us and not three. So, the plans in my head are starting to roll again and I’m left feeling a lot less attacked by the lack of emotion on my brother’s face whenever I tell him he needs to find a job and help out more. I’m absolutely done with him and his bull shirt (Ha ha, The Good Place) and I can’t wait to move away from him.
So, thank you for reading this far into my new update on life and I promise I have more to come. Once again, I apologize for the silence as I have not been in a good mental place to write but I do have more to update on. Until then, I hope everyone is having a better day than me!