I don’t know exactly how to start this introduction, so I’ll jump right into it! I go by IffyBiffy for two reasons: 1) A big part of the Username was a nickname my Mimi used to call me 2) and I’m almost always Iffy about something! I’m totally up for sharing about my problems with anxiety and the constant fight to keep my dark clouds away! Don’t be afraid to reach out to talk about either! 🙂
The world is in a fucking blur
But it also feels like it’s so slow.
Then I go through moments
Where I realize
The time and memory I just lost.
Do you think I should follow her back?
Or what about him?
Will others follow Me back?
Do I deserve this follow?
Should I make this post?
Should I write a reply?
Oh we’re getting a comment.
Is it really just spam?
Maybe we can try again later,
In another year.
Should I really put money into this?
Is it worth it?
Oh well, only time will tell.
But I hope things turn out well.
Now, I can’t quite comprehend the exactness of how I felt while intoxicated but I know what I was talking about. I had to do a little editing and slight deciphering in the morning since drunk me isn’t the most fluent but I still felt what I said, especially about the blog. Followers is a poem about my experience with blogging and how I don’t know if I’m going about it in the right way or if writing is even my thing. 2020 is short but to the point, I guess. I’ve only been at home for 4 days but this is exactly how I feel. I guess I should write more when I’m drunk.
There’s only one good thing that’s come out of this virus- at least, personally for me.
That one thing is that I haven’t thought about my past issues in some time. Okay, saying this is because of the pandemic is a bit of a stretch but it’s… helped. Eh.
What I mean is that, roughly 5-6 months ago, I was thinking about the decisions I’d made in the past, the people I used to be friends with, the mistakes I’ve made and I used to put all of those thoughts on this repeating track that was reminding me every time I had a spare second that I wasn’t perfect.
Well guess what? I don’t fucking care about that anymore. (Excuse the language. I’m feeling rather free tonight). It’s just, I’ve noticed that ever since I had so much shit to deal with in 2016, I’ve been holding it all together like a child trying to show all their toys the same affection. I’ve given it my time of day and once I really started focusing on the real things happening around me which includes new things at work and, now, the virus, my brain just, sort of, pushed all those thoughts to the backroom and, even now, I don’t really care to think about them. I’ve got all this time to mope and I don’t want to. I want to deal with this whole Maladaptive Daydreaming thing, get on some medicine, and cheer at the fact that I have a relationship that’s 9 months and still going strong.
Okay, sorry just got back from pillaging my old room so I could find my dad’s old love letters to mom. I need the info he slips into each letter for the book and it’s about to feel like homework taking notes from each letter. Except, this will be kinda fun and a little gross cuz dad talked about having sex in a few of them. No details, but just the mention alone is enough for me to put them down. Then again, I really don’t have much shame left ever since I “hacked” his email and found all those lude photos dad took of his friends during our house painting party. AKA The Paint Party. Should I add that into the book or is that too much? Maybe I’ll sprinkle some hints in and just hope whoever’s editing doesn’t ask for proof.
Okay, I guess I could say this whole Corona thing does have another perk about it. I have all the time in the world to write this darn book. I want to finish it but I don’t even have a clue about all the details. So, this is where I can do my thinking. I’ve got the outline, some of the big plot points, memories about him, photos for proof of his extreme measure to seem badass, you name it. I just need to unscramble my brain and JUST DO IT!
It still feels weird to be off on a weekend. It shook me up so much that I went to check the mail because I was running out of new types of fish to catch on Animal Crossing (New Leaf, I don’t have a Switch). Right when I opened the mailbox, I thought It’s empty. What day is it? And then I realized it’s Sunday. I’m getting antsy already. I feel like I should have worked today, not that I really could have. We’re supposed to be so few in rooms this new week that none of the managers could make an actual schedule outside of front desk. Bossman told me he’d call if he could get me some hours but I’m not holding anything out. I know I’ll get a little money from this next paycheck but not much. Thing is, if all goes the way it should, all the employees that signed for the unemployment sheet should be getting a little something by next paycheck.
Geez, it feels so weird to be worrying about money again. I thought I was passed this point. Thanks ‘rona. I mean really, though. This virus has flipped this whole world upside down. If someone had told me a year ago that a virus would be holding 2020 by the balls, I would have probably just shrugged it off and not let the realness sink in… Oops. I guess, right now my money situation isn’t bad and I did a little future calculating for what little money I’m bound to get from this next paycheck and I’ll have the money to, hopefully, hold out until I can either get unemployment or that stimulus check. I’m just trying to keep my fingers crossed.
I’ve got things to keep me busy, as well. Firstly, I need to work more on Dad’s book. Second, I’ve got a whole stack of books by my bed that could be read. Hell, I still haven’t caught all the fish, bugs, or diving creatures on my Animal Crossing (once again, New Leaf) game and I could always give my Sims 4 family another try. Thing is, I just don’t want to do a lot of those things. I’ve been getting that same feeling I got when I had 3 days off from work and by the third day I was bored and actually wanted to go back to work. I’m trying to keep my mind off work and I even put together a nice to-do list to keep myself busy for this week. This is one of the few times I’ve been grateful for living so far out from everything because I’ve got all these woods around me that I can walk when I get too stir crazy. I can visit a few of my family members, as well.
I just need to pump myself up. Act like this is a normal day off. Good luck to everyone else.
I’m trying to work on this darn book and it’s driving me insane not having internet. I want to research and find this book my dad wrote and supposedly published if my memory serves correctly. This would be such a wonderful time to have internet considering I can’t really go anywhere. I’m gonna try my best to keep at it. In the meantime, check out this silly post my dad made on his blog back from 1996. He created a website for my twin brother and I while we grew in our mom’s tummy. It was a funny little website and I found some comfort in reading it. The website is no longer available but I still have downloads to look at.
The context of this is that he took mom to the hospital for excessive vomiting and while in the waiting room, this occurred:
My fingers are starting to feel funny but that’s not the point. Anyway, the person I work for is trying to take care of their employees. I just had to fill out a form to get some money in if we have to close down. Hours are looking pretty bad. I’ve had roughly 10 hours in the first 3 days of this week. I’m hoping for at least 15.
My poor roommate was being scared by some information given to her by one of our friends and she’s already worried she wont be able to help with bills because her job has pretty much stopped giving her hours considering it’s a restaurant. I’m hoping things go okay but right now I’m just taking it one day at a time.
An anxious situation
Back to biting my lips again
Can’t stand the habit and, yet,
Don’t know when I started it
Eventually, my lip starts to bleed
Family is still unhappy
Gotta fix the problem, now!
He is busy and I need to hurry
I have finally fixed the situation!
Just thankful he’s happy
Kept me on my toes and, yet,
Lip has finally stopped bleeding
This whole Coronavirus thing is out here really having the audacity to ruin lives. Excuse me ‘Rona, but I need money for bills and by the way, the hotel dead as fuck. We haven’t had a lot of check ins lately. Mostly, they come from the outside work. One of them hit on me, I think. He’s got a wife and kids; I’m assuming since he was with a woman and referred to her as mom to one of the 2 kids, he had with him. Usually husbands or wives do that while aunts and uncles, etc., say “Your mom” or something along those lines. Either way, I’m a bit uncomfortable but maybe I was wrong and he wasn’t flirting a little too hard. One of my coworkers, maintenance dude, who overheard our conversation while he was working on our computers in the business center said he was flirting. Anyway, I’m glad I finally typed that down cuz it has been bugging me since I saw the woman and kids with him.
My schedule is all wonky because they had to shut breakfast down and make to-go bags for everyone. I won’t even have any front desk shifts next week because bossman was told to cut some hours. I should be fine with this upcoming paycheck but next paycheck, depending on how the week after next go, might be crap. I was given a number and a website to go this morning for financial help because millions of people across the globe are experiencing financial need because of the virus.
I feel like that’s all we are talking about these days, too. It’s getting tiresome but, for some reason, talking about something else seems wrong. The virus is making a pretty serious impact on everyone these days. My friend from Maine is stuck in Peru with her mom and can’t get back to Maine and Ana was almost stuck here, in Alabama, but her flight back to Florida was just delayed.
Speaking of Ana, I had quite a fun memory made the other day. Her dad invited me over to eat steaks with them and afterward Ana took me on the four-wheeler. Little John went on the fast one and Ana and I went on the one with 2-wheel drive. Thing is, we saw a puddle that we really wanted to go through but turns out the puddle was pretty much a mini lake cuz my left leg sunk just past my knees when the four-wheeler’s back left tire sunk into the water. It was low-key nerve wracking but oddly fun to get really muddy and have the three of us push it out. Somehow, we got it unstuck and finally got home. My shoes are goners but they were my least good pair and easily replaceable so nothing really lost.
I really need to go to sleep but I accidentally napped, twice, so now I’m more awake. I have to be at work tomorrow at 6am. It’s 11pm right now so I won’t be getting much fluid sleep tonight.
I guess I should comment on the whole Coronavirus thing. So far, Alabama hasn’t had too many cases but I’m not really sure if its cuz no one in their right mind would go to Alabama or people just aren’t really being tested. Anyway, I’m noticing a change in our number of guests at work because of this.
Also my cat just randomly licked my dog’s side and Alfie, said dog, just shot me his “Help me, mommy. I’m uncomfortable” eyes.
So, anyway, work has been slower and fewer people are coming down to get breakfast. Tomorrow we- my cat just jumped into my arms- will have the least amount of guests I’ve ever worked with if there isn’t a bunch of walk-ins. I’ve been told that a lot of graduations are being canceled which does not bode well for those seniors and their families but also for work. Graduations are one of our busiest times. Well, that and football season is even busier. Thankfully, this doesn’t mean I’ll be getting less shifts unless we close down. The positions I work are meant for a single person, maybe 2 if we are busy and I don’t think that’s going to be a worry for right now-fingers crossed at least.
Anyway, there isn’t much else to update on, aside from that. I get to enjoy this weather, at least. Peace out!
I’ve always thought about writing about a time when I was lowest in my life. Maybe it could help me. Maybe it will most likely make others worry as I have not spoken of this experience. Said experience has been a few years in the past but I know it still haunts me. I’ve created lies around it so others won’t know what really happened but I’m hoping no one will take that personally. I’m just a bit (a lot) ashamed of that time in my life.
Wish me luck