You might want to sit back and relax, this is a long story. I’ll be breaking this up in either 2 or 3 parts since it’ll be so lengthy to ready in the first place.
For starters, about the last 3 years (my college years) for me have been pretty difficult and I want to say that FALL 2018 to present have been the most difficult for me. I’ve had some ups on this coaster ride so that’s good but with how I’ve had to live my life is like I can’t exist without being under some kind of pressure everyday- either with myself or the forces that surround me. Living with my parents was stressful and I hated going home, trying to just get out of bed more often than not is a hassle besides just being lazy, and the thought of burdening others because I hate asking for help weighs in.
Let’s begin in November, I started a new job at a local bowling alley and I was enjoying a room I finally found to rent that I can afford, and things were going well with my boyfriend. Later we had a small fight, I know I can be a bit I love him and being with him, I have some friends but I don’t happen to go out often or see them a lot so I spend my time working or being at home and my boyfriend let me stay with him for a week since I didn’t have anywhere else to go at the moment and I didn’t want to bother my friend to ask her if I could stay a little longer until I found something I could afford. Well, I had to be out of my boyfriends before Wednesday the next week since his parents were coming to visit, they didn’t know he had been dating or that we had been together since the late summer, they wouldn’t approve of him dating and they didn’t even want him to have a job but he chose to start working anyway. I ugly cried my first two nights in my new living arrangement because he couldn’t stay with me and I wanted him to so badly since we had spent a week together while both still attending the local university. Later we had a little fight that I can’t even remember what was it about but from then we decided to take a small break and come back together and talk. A week passed and I tried to give him his space and thanksgiving break was right around the corner. I went to visit him on a whim because we hadn’t talked and when I got there he was packing to leave to go see his parents (which he stays for a week or so since they live a few states away and comes back). We were silent for a long time and cuddled for what felt like a couple hours and we finally talked and he thought we should break up. I never told him that I thought about us being engaged and maybe things would be less stressful- because even if we’re not together, at the end of the day he would still be mine. I wanted to cry so bad but I held in my tears and did my best not to let my voice crack. Before I left, we had the most passionate sex we had ever had before and in my heart I felt like he didn’t want us to break up but I know him well enough that he will always do the right thing even if it’s something that he doesn’t want to do- I know because I’m that way too. The way he moved and the way he touched me, he didn’t want to let go and neither did I. But he had to pack to get ready to leave in the morning since he had a 12 hour drive (how do you people drive for that long? I struggle driving 3 hours) so I left. I gave him his space again and tried messaging him just occasionally, holding myself back so I wouldn’t bother him too much and having short conversations that were just small chitchats about nothing with the strongest hope in my mind that maybe later we could try again. I cried every day for a few months on end because I couldn’t get him out of my head or heart.
In December I went to Chicago to see some family, my grandfather had lymphatic cancer and was dying. I’m not lose to the relatives over there at all because we’re just estranged that way but I want to know them better because I still love them (but that’s a whole story for another day. My aunt even asked me to move in with her all the way in Chicago with my cousin!). My grandpa and were also fairly distant but I was lucky enough to spend time with him when I was a little kid and loved being with him; the whole family is just bad about communication. I cried every time I saw him and I tried to make sure that every day I was there for the week that I told him I love him. He tried to offer me some money that he said would just be in his will if I didn’t take it now and he wouldn’t let me leave the room without making sure my aunt gave it to me. I cried so much because I felt like I didn’t deserve it and I didn’t want it because I wanted him to use it for his treatments and medicine but he said all that was already taken care of. I apologized for not keeping in touch better and he said its okay and that he forgives me because he should have also tried to communicate better (I should also mention that he and I also had terrible food poisoning during this week also). I didn’t feel like I deserved his forgiveness and sometimes when I think about him now I still feel that way- I’m crying just typing this. I should also mention that I’m still trying to work things out with my ex, I told him everything that was going on in Chicago while I was there and he left me on read… He never replied back.
In January, I’m still keeping up and trying to call my aunt and check in on my grandpa as often as I can to say I love you and see how he feels. I don’t know what compelled me, but I just had to go visit my ex and see him and at least try to talk since we hadn’t in a while. He was still sleeping when I arrived (he sleeps until late afternoon) and I woke him up. We were silent again just kind of thinking as if having a telepathic conversation and he let me hug him for a long while before I had to let go, the only thing he said was thanks for waking him because he had to go meet a friend soon. I didn’t pry him about it because I accepted a while ago that what he does is no longer my business so I left. A week or so went by and I happened to check one of his social media pages, he had finally changed the profile pic that he had for years to a picture of him with another girl, I asked him about it and if he started seeing someone else… he said yes. There was nothing else I could do but cry at my loss. So I blocked him on everything because I gave up on us ever going out again and I knew I had to stop hurting myself trying to keep hope in my heart for him.
It’s August 2019 now and I still think about him and cry because I still love him. I just don’t think about him as often anymore. I think about trying to move on and be with someone else, but I know my feelings are still too strong for my ex and it wouldn’t be fair to anyone I want to pair up with if I still feel this way and I know I’m not ready for another relationship. Part of me wants to just be dating again. Instead, for the first time ever I started making no-strings attached hookups with Tinder dates. I have someone that I’ve been seeing regularly that’s become a good friend for a couple of months now. We meet up, hangout, cuddle, have intimate moments, and just relax in each other’s company and it’s all comfortable that way. We met in May.
This will b the end for now of part 1- November to January. More will be covered in part 2.