Have you heard of Maladaptive Daydreaming?

Between the ages of 5 and 10, I lived in a very old house where there are a few indentations in the walls from when I used to lightly but repeatedly bang my head while I daydreamed.

I later found out, through a night’s worth of research, that this was a common symptom of something not recognized as a disorder but known as Maladaptive Daydreaming, or MD for short.

At the time, my family picked at me, because I was almost always doing this. Just beating my head against anything while I daydreamed about being a hero or a damsel in distress. I daydreamed near walls at home or even on the seats during the bus route to school. I even remember a particular day where a friend of mine put her hand behind my head to stop me and I just ignored her, diving even deeper into my own imagination.

I thought it was normal to daydream this much as a kid and to an extent, I believe I was right. However, I never grew out of this and it became apparent that my daydreaming not only stemmed from something but was worsening and hindering me from living a normal life. Actually, it still very much does.

I stopped beating my head at some point before Middle School and just started messing with my fingers or shaking my legs. If I was in bed, I’d rock or hum until this put me to sleep. I didn’t think my daydreaming would really effect the relationships I had with my friends and family until one day, I was trying to get a friend of mine to play some imaginary game with me, yes in Middle School, and she finally just looked at me and told me “You can’t always live in a fantasy world. You need to start thinking about reality”. I’m paraphrasing, of course. But those words hit me and it forced me to take a look at myself.

Sadly, I experienced the loss of my father just before my first day as a high schooler, so I spiraled instead of getting better. The imaginary characters I played with through ought my childhood and teenage years were one of the many things that helped me get through this hard time in my life. But, because of this, I never got over the loss of my father and possibly not my Mimi who died about four years later.

I would even go as far as creating original characters who I wanted, desperately, to look and act like and I even wrote out stories as a better way of cementing the imagination. The worlds in my head were so vivid. I haven’t ever technically seen them outside my head, but they always felt so real to me.

I’ve tried stopping for years, even going a few days without even wanting to daydream because I recently started dating someone and I believe MD is hindering me from getting close to him. It scares me that I can’t think and act like a regular person. So, once I earn the money from my new job, I’m getting help from a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, whatever it takes to end this. I want to see myself as me, again. I want to handle my emotions properly and take control of my life. This will be very difficult and I know I’ll have to face the traumas I’ve experienced in my life that most likely started this, but I’m tired of hiding from it and I need the help.

Published by iffybiffy

Hi! I started this blog to give some college tips and talk about my anxiety and experiences. Recently, the blog has grown and we are currently adding some members with their own agendas to the page. We hope you enjoy what we post!

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