Cruddy college memories- Part 3

I’m continuing this series with a final assemblance of cruddy college memories about being made uncomfortable and ending shitty relationships.

To start off, I had a guy ask for my number when I worked at McDonalds and after, maybe, our 3rd phone call, he started asking me questions about having children with me and when I told him to stop and leave me alone, he proceeded to call me off of other people’s phones. He called me off and on throughout my first semester until a friend helped get him to stop. I wished I’d had an iPhone at the time since Androids don’t let you block numbers from reaching you, completely, without going through your provider. I figured it was easier to just press ignore than deal with people I couldn’t understand over phone.

My next experience was when I was talking to a guy in my new college friend group and after spending the night with him because it had gotten really late, he had tried to feel me up and when I told him no, he started crying and I left. An awkward experience to say the least. I’d barely known the guy, too, so everything was like 10x more awkward.

Not long after that, I met a guy I fell head over heels for and we started up a really, really rocky relationship. It didn’t last long due to mental health reasons but I learned his best friend liked me and they started fighting over me, literally treating me like property by my ex saying he felt he would be mentally ready to date me by the end of the month so his friend couldn’t date me after that point (It’s a confusing and long story). It was horrible and something that really damaged my boundaries. An example of this being that my ex and his friend used to poke at me because they thought the noises I made were funny/cute, or they’d just be overly touchy feely- which I could too, so it was justified- and after our big blowout, I hated any physical contact with them. My ex’s friend moved but he and I still talk on occasion as we’ve been trying to repair what little friendship we have. One of the last times we’d hung out, he asked if I wanted to go out to eat and while we were waiting for a table, he poked at my side to make me yell. I just looked at him and in a dead serious tone, told him to stop. I’d had to ask him to stop a few times before because I no longer felt comfortable but he’d really crossed a line after some point. However, my ex’s response to this was just to laugh which just made me angry. He still thought I was joking, I guess. How? I have no idea. We haven’t hung out much since then and I’ve grown to a point that I think I’d just walk away from him if he tried to touch me, again.

I’ll try and make this next one short because, wow, that last paragraph was a read. My english teacher would be proud. So, I had two other encounters with guys, I didn’t really know all that well, hitting on me while I was in the cafeteria at college. The first one happened at the end of my freshman year, after that whole blowout with my ex and his friend. A guy came up to me while I was by myself and told me how he’d watched me and my friends and wanted to talk to me but I was never by myself. He basically threw himself a pity party that no girl would like him and that he wished a girl like me would date him and I just awkwardly declined him. After that, I waited till he left and packed my shit and hauled ass to the parking lot.

The other guy I had hitting on me got weirdly attached to me my last three semesters of community college. It was super awkward because he made it his mission, every time he saw me, to get me to say hi to him. I mean, he followed me around the cafeteria, one time, because I’d ignored his hello. At first, he was okay, but Monroe and I were having a conversation about how annoying our cats could be when he interrupted us to talk about how he wanted to throw his cat because it annoyed him so much. I think he meant it as a joke but how can you not get creeped out by a guy randomly inserting himself into your conversation to tell you he wanted to throw his cat out of annoyance. The top three worst experiences I had with him had to be: 1) he randomly hugged me from behind one day, which I put a stop to really quickly, 2) he got upset when I blocked him on Instagram, 3) he saw me walking around the track on campus and turned his car around to follow me for a few seconds while he tried shouting at me (there’s a slope that distances the track from the parking lot) and didn’t leave until he realized I was ignoring him. Thank god I don’t see him anymore.

Another failed relationship I had lasted, roughly, a month where I dated a guy who kept getting a bit handsy (i.e. squeezing/smacking my butt) but would deny any sexuality in it. Even after I told him to stop he just got defensive and wanted to know “if something happened” to me for me to act this way. Apparently, I’m not allowed to like being touched in certain areas at the beginning of a new relationship, I guess.

A third failed relationship, my last one before my current one, lasted a little bit longer but ended for, roughly, the same reasons. Can you see a pattern here cuz I can. Basically, he was worse because on our third date we went swimming and he told me a few things that made me highly uncomfortable: 1) “I wish you’d worn a bikini”, 2) “I can see the outline of your boobs”, and lets not forget this gem, 3) “Are you on birth control?” I had actually ignored my discomfort up until he was kissing me and when I went to pull away (because I still don’t like kissing due to being made fun of during the blowout with the ex and his friend) and instead of letting me pull away, he just placed his hand behind my head and pushed me to him. Red flags my boi. Red flags.

And, now, we are to my current relationship which has had a few moments where I’ve been uncomfortable and I’m still learning that I need to voice them immediately but it doesn’t help that with my track record, things usually end in a break up. I’m hoping he will really understand and genuinely let me take me time warming up to him. I haven’t told him any of these things because I feel like they’ve become crutches for me, sometimes. Like I’m making excuses, but I don’t know why they would be. Why would I need to have an excuse unless I just really don’t like the person? In which case, why would I, suddenly, not like my current boyfriend?

I’m still trying to figure things out, but I know the experiences I talked about have affected the way I think and feel towards intimacy and my relationship with my body. I’m curious to know if anyone reading this has dealt with the same battles and what you’re outcome to it all has been.

Until next time, peace fuckers.

Negative memories throughout middle/high school- Part 2

So, as some of you may have read in part 1, I’m doing a little series about my history with people making me uncomfortable through word or touch. In part 2, I’m going to be talking about the many times I felt uncomfortable due to hurtful comments or people invading my personal space.

In middle school, I was just starting to develop a body shape and, lets just say, it was fairly curvy. I’m not the happiest with my genes like a lot of weirdos were, but I digress. I just remember a handful of uncomfortable moments that really sent me inside my shell and I mayhaps talked about one in a post from when I was in Maine, so I’ll just do a quick recap of it to start off this post.

One of my earliest memories with feeling really uncomfortable was when a group of girls asked how I “got my breasts so big.” And after telling them it was literally just shit luck with genetics, they turned to each other and started whispering. I even remember one giving me side-eye and I just ended up walking away wishing I could have the last 5 minutes of my life back.

Another time I was uncomfortable was when a classmate made a comment that I should wear more figure flattering clothes and she added that if she were me she would have a bit of cleavage showing. Keep in mind that I was not and am still not close with any of these people so it felt more creepy and random than if it were my friends telling me.

At one point in time, I had a crush on a classmate of mine and he and I would give each other anime suggestions to watch. I had dated him back in the tyke years of third grade but young love never lasts. I had started liking him again and we would message frequently on Facebook. I really liked him up until he asked if I stuffed my bra-which was not the first time I’d ever been asked that- and when I replied with no, he deadass asked for proof. Dumbass had zero sense about him. I immediately liked him less and throughout the years of us vaguely talking, he continued to make me uncomfortable and I just unfriended him and blocked him. I’ll be honest, the reason I didn’t block him was because I enjoyed talking to him whenever it wasn’t about my body.

He wasn’t the only guy to ask for pictures in my high school career. I had a friend who also enjoyed anime and she had a younger brother who I rarely spoke to. He was the quiet and awkward type, so I figured he was okay. However, we had an online class together, for whatever reason, and I’d sat next to him cuz I barely knew anybody else. We rarely talked to each other but I still accepted his friend request on Facebook. At first, the conversation was normal, but he messaged me, one day, asking me for pictures of my breasts and I immediately got onto him about it. I talked to his sister and even moved seats to get away from him in class.

The last big thing I’ll talk about is from the time I dated a guy for less than a week in the 9th grade. I broke up with him because he was sending all the weird texts saying he “had mixed feelings and needed to think about the relationship”, less than 72 hours into it. I already knew it was a lost cause, so I broke up with him. A few years later, I think I was in the 11th grade when he tried talking to me again. At the time, I was in a place where I just really wanted to date someone, so I gave him a chance but we literally last abou 48 hours, this go round. He broke up with me out of the blue and was off chasing some other poor soul. However, the real problem came when we would see each other in a science class we had where he would frequently make comments about my figure and he probably told me I “could pass the Hooters test” at least six times throughout the semester. I ignored him until even the other classmates around me started telling him how creepy he was sounding. Sometimes it still gets to me.

So, this is it for part 2. In part 3, I’ll talk about my college years which includes several awkward relationships that I wish had never happened. I think part 3 will be the last part, but we’ll see.

My history with discomfort from unwanted physical contact-Part 1

Note: This is not going to talk about sexual assault. These are just going to be parts of a story where I share an impactful moment of discomfort due to people not understanding my boundaries. Pretty much an explanation of the reason why I am the way I am.

So, for as long as I can remember, I’ve been in uncomfortable situations with either being touched or my personal space being invaded. This is going to be a little series, I don’t know how many parts yet, of me pretty much explaining why I have issues with people- even ones I trust- touching me in any sort of way.

For starters, I have one of those “creepy great uncles” that is pretty much a pedo in hiding. He hasn’t actually done anything, to my knowledge. All I know is that he makes comments about young, female, family members and possibly has some bad porn on his computer which he wouldn’t let me near when I offered to fix a volume problem he was having one day. I guess calling him a pedo is going a little too far, but I hate him so I don’t care. When I was much younger, say about 10+ years old, he’d always want portrait style photos of my female cousins and I. Usually, he would get us all together and then individually which wasn’t too weird until I noticed he rarely took photos of my brothers or male cousins in the same way. I remember asking him about it when I was in my early teens and his response was something to this nature, “Well y’all girls just grow up so fast.” I kid you not. That was just about word for word. So, I made a comment about my brothers also growing up and he either didn’t hear me or ignored the comment. From then on, I made a mental note to not visit him as often as I could. However, my mom didn’t like me going so long without seeing my great grandmother who was living with “creepy great uncle” so I was forced to go until I turned eighteen when she knew she couldn’t force me to go, anymore. My brothers still went and would report, frequently, to me that “creepy great uncle” was always asking about me. Also, he gave my brothers and I the same present every year for Christmas: $$. At one point, my twin brother and I didn’t show up for the holiday and my brother’s money was given to my mom who also asked for mine since she knew I didn’t want to show up and wouldn’t for as long as I could push it. However, “creepy great uncle” simply told her that I had to show up to get mine. Even my mom found that odd which is funny considering she’d ignore me everytime I told her how creepy I thought he was. He always made comments about “how red” my face was and that I was probably blushing because he was around. He made the same comments to my mom which she just shooed away but everytime I told her that I hated the comments, she just brushed it off as him making a joke. *cough* what the fuck kinda joke is that? I even talked with my Nana about the comments he made. My Nana is his sister and she would tell me stories of him making a lot of women uncomfortable and how she and my granny, their mother, would have to keep him in line. My Nana listened to me much more than my own mom and told me to stay away as long as I’d like and that she would handle talking to him if anything came up. She even told me about how he’d joked to one of my (many) aunts about “stealing her baby” to which, I guess, everyone but my Nana played off as just a little joke. It might have been, who knows? Not very many people trust him, though. I’m not going to see him for as long as I live and when he dies, I’ll be one step closer to happiness and I don’t care how negative that sounds.

Honestly, I’d hoped that sharing part 1 would make me feel better but I just don’t feel like I typed any of this in a clear way. Maybe I’m just overthinking it, as usual.

Makeup tests for Atlanta Pride Parade ft. Nickie G

I went to Ulta for just 2 things: A cheap but pigmented palette with pink, purple, and blue and e.l.f.’s liquid liner. You wanna know what I bought? I bought both items I needed AND a deep blue matte lipstick by Maybelline called Explorer, some clearance lip balm (I lost my old one…) and e.l.f. Define Eye Tape which I suck at applying. So, the reason for buying these items is because I wanted to try out a look of applying pink, purple, and blue eyeshadow in the form of the Bisexual flag for Atl. Pride;however, you can see that I changed my mind in the second photo. I’m, obviously, not very good at makeup, yet and my mirror also needs a good cleaning but that’s besides the point.

Alright yes, I know I know. I should have just bought the two things but, oh man first, I could NOT find a cheap palette with all three colors that looked decent enough. Secondly, I was inspired by an advertisement of a woman with deep blue lipstick and some crazy pretty eyeshadow! I couldn’t just not copy that idea! I actually did find a good and cheap palette right after I bought the blue lipstick. p.s. the longer I look at this color, the less purple it looks.

So, before Nickie G got home and we both ended up napping and THEN we sat down and she did the makeup of the first picture, I dicked around with my new makeup. I was super excited to try the blue lipstick out because I’ve always wanted to have a whole goth/scene look on hand for whenever I just feel that sudden teenage angst that I held in come creeping out of me. I actually considered buying a beanie from Spencers that had a little tag sewn into it that simply read “fuck.” That’s besides the point. I put on the pink and purple eyeshadow and attempted to use the e.l.f. Define Tape but it didn’t go well so after multiple free hand attempts, I was successful with a nice thin line. I can’t do think lines or thick cat eyes because I have hooded eyes. RIP. After that, I put on an excessive amount of the blue lipstick because I suck at putting liquid lipstick on and spent several minutes waiting for it to dry. Now, the ad for the lipstick said it can hold for up to 16 hours and I can’t quite say that’s true because I only tested it for 5 hours, including eating and napping in it. It lasted fairly well but did come off some after I ate. I eventually just took off the lipstick because it was bothering me with how thick I’d applied it. So, after my roommate and I woke up and ate Nickie G took the time to test out a beautiful look on my face by applying several different eyeshadows from different palettes that she could probably name off the top of her head with ease and did a rainbow look over my eyes and face. It’s hard to see the eyes in the picture but you can just take my word for it that she did an amazing job. This girl has some serious talent! Shoutout to Nickie G for this amazing work with just some palettes, brushes, and the patience she needed for me to eventually close my eyes so she could paint me like one of her French girls!

Where are those college tips, Tiff?

Yeah, I don’t feel like I shouldn’t be doing those anymore. I genuinely feel like I’m not in the right state of mind to be giving advice for college, especially since I’m not even 100% sure on what degree I want to go for.

Besides, it wasn’t a very popular piece on this blog anyway. So, I hope no one is too disappointed *insert awkward laugh*

The past few days have been nice~

Usually I only get two days off a week, which is fairly normal don’t get me wrong. However, I don’t know a single soul who thinks two days is enough and the only reason they don’t ask for a third is because those extra hours are what pays for some of their bills. Back to my point! I was getting ready for bed last night when I got a text from my manager that he’d made some last minute schedule changes and I was, now, off tomorrow (today). Cue the happy dance!

You see, I’ve been trying to catch up on Steven Universe for some time, now and I’d finally sat down and watched everything except the movie which I was saving for today. But, now that I knew I’d be off, I just said “fudge this” and stayed up till 1AM watching it. I gotta agree with Nickie G, though. It wasn’t really that great of a movie. Granted, I’m happy Steven looks his age, but the movie felt like they were running out of ideas. Steven was literally doing the same things he did in the past 5 seasons. There wasn’t much growth in the movie, just a new character with a familiar problem and a familiar outcome. I did like that Spinel wasn’t as easily swayed as some of the other antagonists, though. Come on, Steven, you gotta do more than sing to help characters realize the error of their ways!

So, now that I’m caught up on that series, I get to jump back into another series: Miraculous Ladybug! I’m partway through it and it’ll be hard to catch up on since the episodes are longer, but I do enjoy the show. Even though I’m 21 years old, I still have an affinity for kids TV shows, especially ones like Steven Universe that explore more relatable problems. It’s funny, back when I went on my trip to Maine, I was talking to Monroe about Miraculous and a kid that was playing cards with their friends nearby had heard me say how much I enjoyed the show. She told me she liked it too, which was nice since I don’t get to talk to people outside my friends group about fandoms much anymore. I need to start going to conventions again, but why do they have to be so expensive?

So, what’s a good kids show you’d recommend that I watch?

Were any of you cringe-y when y’all were younger or was it just my friends and I?

I recently got into listening to r/cringe videos on youtube which is funny considering I could just read them on the subreddit.

Anyway, the longer I listened, the more I cringed and the more painful memories of a middle school me appeared in my head. I used to be one of those “weeb girls” that loved talking about anime to the point that I was using Japanese phrases I’d learned from watching subbed versions. In hindsight, I can guarantee I was using most of the phrases wrong but no one could tell weeb me that! I did used to cosplay but I still don’t see that as being cringe-y, although there were a few exceptions even I picked out from my handful of years going to conventions, such as the cosplayers that walked around with body pillows of characters that were either a) half to mostly naked and b) looked like a child and were also half to mostly naked. I didn’t show my anime love to the same extent as some friends of mine did, like how one dressed in full cosplay complete with a prop of a creepy cat on their shoulder and everything just for Halloween while in high school. Let’s just say that friend got bullied a good bit because of that which I still find sad to this day. I had another friend that would draw mostly to completely naked furries and they weren’t afraid to show them, even going as far as to draw them in class. They were also picked on but didn’t seem to care about it as much as the others.

I was more than just weeb cringe, though. At one point in time, I considered myself a huge feminist but I’ve had plenty of time to look back on it and I know I didn’t want all of us to be equals. I was one of those “femi-nazi” types that was overly triggered and I’d attack fairly easy. I’ve come a long way since then but I still cringe when I remember that part of my life.

The Facebook memories that pop up on my timeline are, often times, deleted if I hate them enough. I’ve had a number of them from middle school to early high school that I just couldn’t stand. Although, I guess if everyone looked back on their old social media posts, they’d facepalm too.

So, was anyone else just as cringe as my friends and I were?

A piece I wrote some time ago

I wrote this a long while back on an old blog I had and I’ve been thinking of uploading it for some time, now. The Youtube link is to a song by Owl City called “Not All Heroes Wear Capes”

My Dad is a Hero

I thought I was plenty strong enough to enjoy this song without any crying involve but I can never get past the first few verses without breaking down. I miss you a ton, dad. Sometimes when I’m writing, I think about how much you loved writing and I think about that silly blog you made for my brother and I when we were in mom’s belly. I think about that home video we were going to make with the really cheap sound effects that totally “wasn’t” gonna be a rip off of Twilight. I think about the day we got into a little fight because I wanted to cut my hair for the first time and I had to call Mimi to make you finally agree. I think about the time you dropped everything you were doing because Mimi found out she had breast cancer and you shaved your head and watched movies with her in the hospital. I think about almost everyone in the family getting into the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series and even deciding with you just a few weeks before you passed that we would go see the new movie together. I think about how you turned all badass and cussed out my aunt’s useless boyfriend because he was peeping at her Facebook messages without her permission. I think about those really silly videos you uploaded to YouTube about politics and our Amendments. I think a lot about you calling me Barbie, because that was the nickname you gave me ever since I was a kid. No one calls me that anymore and a part of me is glad because that was your thing, but I miss it. I miss my dad.

I hope college is worth this!

I woke up to a message from a former coworker of the daycare I used to work at. In it, she asked me to come back, as she has before, but this time she added that the director was actually asking for me, as well. When my coworker, we’ll call her J, messaged me the first time about a month ago, I apologized and told her I couldn’t, so we just talked about the infants and she updated me on them. A good bit are walking that weren’t when I left. 🙂

J told me the new girl they’d hired isn’t doing so hot and whenever a new caregiver doesn’t pick up how the room works very quickly, it ends up affecting everyone else. Of course, it’s understood that for about a month the new person will be learning and committing things to memory, but there really isn’t a ton of stuff to learn. It’s mainly learning the infant’s schedules and how to work the app on the iPad. After a week, you’ve mostly learned the daycare’s schedule, as well (i.e. what time b-fast, lunch, and the 2 snacks are). So, I understand that they are all stressed. I felt that way they last two weeks of working there. This was back before they’d hired more people. So, with 15-17 infants in the room and only 3 teachers (4 if we had more than 15), we were all stressed. This was mainly because the week before I left, we transitioned a groups of babies and were now dealing with lots of new babies/parents and their schedules. On top of that, we had a coworker out for their vacation and they’d came back a day after the transition.

Back to the point! J messaged and I admitted that I missed the babies and the coworkers; however, I still have my job at the hotel. They’ve been keeping me in Breakfast through the week and putting me in Housekeeping during the weekend. I’m liking my job enough that I don’t want to quit just to run back to the daycare. But. But. But. But. BUT. When I get off of work from B-Fast, it’s only noon. And if I can weasel things around, I can do both and just come into the daycare a little later. I used to come in later when I worked there, anyway. I had school at the time of working there so they just let me come in at noon everyday. Then, I’d just have to worry about Housekeeping or B-Fast on the weekends! If I can do both jobs, I’d be making bank. I could actually set aside more money, now, then what I could when I just worked at the daycare for my college fund. I’d be dog tired from working, but I’d be rolling in direct deposits!

However, there are a few cons to this: 1) Tired ALL the time. 2) 0 days off a week. 3) Even less time with my boyfriend than what we are already struggling with. Sooooo, a portion of me is hoping the director doesn’t need me bad enough haha. She’s supposed to be texting at some point and we’ll discuss things so I’ll keep everyone updated. I need to go charge my laptop and keep watching my water until it boils. I’m making spaghetti since I’m broke and can’t afford much else. 1 pound should last a few days-ish. (I hope)

Donating Plasma

NOTE: There are no graphic details(i.e. pictures) in this article, but if the mention of blood or needles makes you uneasy, please do not continue to read this page.

So Thursday, I finally went to get some extra cash and donate plasma. I know, I know- if it’s “donating” then what are they paying you for? Technically, they can’t pay you for your bodily fluids, but they can pay you for your time spent there and let e tell you we were there practically 2 hours. To be a qualified plasma donor you should not have any kind of illness whatsoever, no recent piercings or tattoos without documentation/proof that sterile equipment was used, not in sexual contact/living with someone who is HIV positive or with other STDs or with Hepatitis or Hepatitis C. You also can’t weigh under 110 lbs. There are many other factors that can disqualify you as a potential donor as well.

While I was there, they took a small blood sample to check my iron levels, measured my weight, and checked my blood pressure. Then, after some more paper work, they did a urinalysis and a brief physical.

I’m not a fan of needles-at all. They honestly scare me. But, I have had to be hooked up with medical equipment before. Some time earlier this year, I had a bad fever/cold/flu and while I was picking up my prescription from wally world, my fever suddenly spiked and I had to be carried to the emergency room where I had an IV drip in my arm for 2 hours. Lucky me, my mom was there to eat crappy hospital food and drink nasty carbonated lime water she accidentally grabbed with me. Well, I finally decided I wanted to try donating plasma to make a little extra cash since I was still unemployed until recent.

After being there over an hour, I finally get to head to the back and there’s 2 long rows of people facing each other that are all seated in a large chair that you would see at some kind of fancy resort or spa all hooked up to an apheresis machine (it looks like a weird record player). Most people are pumping their fist to make the process go faster. But I’m laying here, trying not to look at this tube of blood leaving my arm. The feeling of the blood leaving your body is strange and uncomfortable. I tried to figure out what I would want to watch on youtube or netflix to get my mind off things but it was all still unsettling. After a while I started feeling really hot and I was getting more jittery sitting there hoping this would be over already. Suddenly I feel like I pissed myself or maybe even started my period since I was expecting to start soon. I’m just getting more and more nervous by the second and I finally call a nurse to unhook me and described what I was feeling (minus whether I pissed myself or not).

She and another nurse put ice packs on me, started fanning me, and began returning a saline solution to my body. Next thing I know I feel like I stepped out in the middle of winter without a jacket. I was just shivering and freezing cold- which was apparently a normal reaction. When I could finally get up I went to the bathroom and checked myself and I was just fine. There was nothing. I was clean. Is this normal? I feel like that’s not a normal feeling while donating plasma. I was supposed to finish “3 cycles” while I was there but only got through 1. Luckily, I was still paid the full amount I was offered for being a first time donor.

I want to go back and try again, but I’m honestly terrified at this point the more I think about it and how it felt and what the whole situation looked like.

Have you donated plasma before? What was it like for you? Comment down below!

-Nickie G.