3-6-20

I’m really going to enjoy this next paycheck coming up on the 13th. I haven’t looked to see how many hours I’ve worked, exactly, but I know it’s roughly 10 more hours than usual. I’m hoping to attempt a few more hours before Sunday, which is the cut off date for hours on this paycheck. Maybe if I make enough money, I can pay off my credit card, pay the late trash bill, and still get that tattoo with Ana, my best friend in the whole wide world. I’d love to get everything settled but I’m not holding my breath until I see how many hours in total I’ve worked. What does that phrase even mean? “Don’t hold your breath.” Who even came up with that?

Anyway, I worked about 10 hours today, 6 being Breakfast Attendant and 4 being for Housekeeping. For breakfast, I tried to keep focused on making sure everything was stocked because, for the love of god, one of my coworkers had barely filled a thing. She’s been so spotty, lately. She barely cleans completely and the pans that you’re supposed to keep full or close to it, are usually empty when she works. Guests are gonna start complaining if she doesn’t pick up her slack. Bossman, a few coworkers, and I have had to get on to her about her laziness.

And lately, housekeeping has been having these massive amounts of rooms for very few housekeepers. Every time one is hired, it seems like 2 quit. I figured I’d kill 2 birds with one stone (now that phrase I can understand-ish) and get more hours while taking on some rooms. The housekeeping assistant manager, gave me 5 rooms from her long-ass stash on the MOP app. The MOP app is where everyone goes to know what rooms they are assigned, whether it’s just to refresh a guest that’s staying over, clean a checked out room, or do a full clean which is basically like a mix of the previous two and it’s meant for guest that have been there for more than 3 days and are still staying over. Well, towards the end of my 4th room, the housekeeping assistant manager came in to give me some towels and rags and we talked more on that previously mentioned coworker’s work ethic. She commented that she could tell when I wasn’t doing breakfast because of how dirty the kitchen would be. I admitted that I’d spent most of my free time trying to wipe everything down with my sanitizer rag because there was much residue from where she hadn’t been cleaning as she went. I tried telling the coworker that earlier because things are just easier if you clean as you go but I’m really doubting she will listen or “remember” and since she once asked me to mop the kitchen for her while I was doing a front desk shift I’m ready to assume she’s just lazy. I’d told her no and it reminded me that she once said she doesn’t like being told no, but oh well. I had my lobby to mop and she had her kitchen to mop. Anyways, during my last room I was leaning over the toilet to clean it and my phone decided it wanted to attempt to swim in germ infested waters. I panicked but remembered reading that I needed to take the battery out and anything else connected to it, dry them off and don’t immediately attempt to turn the device on. I didn’t have any rice, so I wrapped it in one of our rags from the hotel and finished up. I felt so panicky and when I finally made it home, I attempted to avoid turning my phone on but the anxiety of not knowing if I was going to have to buy another phone before the end of this phone’s first service plan was killing my stomach. After about an hour I cracked and made sure everything was dry before putting the battery back in. I didn’t even have to use the power button as the phone lit up and has, so far, been working fine. Granted, the speakers are quiet and both camera lenses have condensation in them, but that’s a small price to pay for a working phone.

Anyway, I need to head to bed. It’s getting late and I have to be up by 430 in the morning. Gross.

3-6-20

I’m really going to enjoy this next paycheck coming up on the 13th. I haven’t looked to see how many hours I’ve worked, exactly, but I know it’s roughly 10 more hours than usual. I’m hoping to attempt a few more hours before Sunday, which is the cut off date for hours on this paycheck. Maybe if I make enough money, I can pay off my credit card, pay the late trash bill, and still get that tattoo with Ana, my best friend in the whole wide world. I’d love to get everything settled but I’m not holding my breath until I see how many hours in total I’ve worked. What does that phrase even mean? “Don’t hold your breath.” Who even came up with that?

Anyway, I worked about 10 hours today, 6 being Breakfast Attendant and 4 being for Housekeeping. For breakfast, I tried to keep focused on making sure everything was stocked because, for the love of god, one of my coworkers had barely filled a thing. She’s been so spotty, lately. She barely cleans completely and the pans that you’re supposed to keep full or close to it, are usually empty when she works. Guests are gonna start complaining if she doesn’t pick up her slack. Bossman, a few coworkers, and I have had to get on to her about her laziness.

And lately, housekeeping has been having these massive amounts of rooms for very few housekeepers. Every time one is hired, it seems like 2 quit. I figured I’d kill 2 birds with one stone (now that phrase I can understand-ish) and get more hours while taking on some rooms. The housekeeping assistant manager, gave me 5 rooms from her long-ass stash on the MOP app. The MOP app is where everyone goes to know what rooms they are assigned, whether it’s just to refresh a guest that’s staying over, clean a checked out room, or do a full clean which is basically like a mix of the previous two and it’s meant for guest that have been there for more than 3 days and are still staying over. Well, towards the end of my 4th room, the housekeeping assistant manager came in to give me some towels and rags and we talked more on that previously mentioned coworker’s work ethic. She commented that she could tell when I wasn’t doing breakfast because of how dirty the kitchen would be. I admitted that I’d spent most of my free time trying to wipe everything down with my sanitizer rag because there was much residue from where she hadn’t been cleaning as she went. I tried telling the coworker that earlier because things are just easier if you clean as you go but I’m really doubting she will listen or “remember” and since she once asked me to mop the kitchen for her while I was doing a front desk shift I’m ready to assume she’s just lazy. I’d told her no and it reminded me that she once said she doesn’t like being told no, but oh well. I had my lobby to mop and she had her kitchen to mop. Anyways, during my last room I was leaning over the toilet to clean it and my phone decided it wanted to attempt to swim in germ infested waters. I panicked but remembered reading that I needed to take the battery out and anything else connected to it, dry them off and don’t immediately attempt to turn the device on. I didn’t have any rice, so I wrapped it in one of our rags from the hotel and finished up. I felt so panicky and when I finally made it home, I attempted to avoid turning my phone on but the anxiety of not knowing if I was going to have to buy another phone before the end of this phone’s first service plan was killing my stomach. After about an hour I cracked and made sure everything was dry before putting the battery back in. I didn’t even have to use the power button as the phone lit up and has, so far, been working fine. Granted, the speakers are quiet and both camera lenses have condensation in them, but that’s a small price to pay for a working phone.

Anyway, I need to head to bed. It’s getting late and I have to be up by 430 in the morning. Gross.

3-3-20

I’m a bit tired from the rain, today… BUT I STILL VOTED. I’m not gonna say for who I voted because A) I don’t remember and B) This is not going to become a political website. All I’m going to say is that I still don’t feel like I’m making much of a difference.

I did go out and have fun afterward. I hung out with a friend of mine that I haven’t chatted with much in the past couple of years. We talked about college and relationships for most of the time and it really felt good to open up about things. I realize that I don’t talk with a lot of people in general so I end up word-vomiting on my peers. Not the best thing to do but as long as they are okay with it, then I guess I’ll keep doing it…

I was doing a lot of thinking on my way to Opelika about how I haven’t really opened up in my relationship with Beau. Sure, I’ve told him I can get anxious and he’s seen me when I become over-stimulated through crowds, but there’s more to it than that. And I try not to think about things to much because I would never want him to witness me when I’m in my down stage because it always feels like I’m a huge bummer and I make others worry.

I’m really not in the mood to go too deep in my head for today. I just really wanted to post. I guess I could work on my project which has been sitting there for ages now. Either that or go home and watch Netflix, again.

3-2-20

I’ve always known that I have pretty bad anxiety over important events, work, breaking any kind of code, any kind of closeness, money, and time. I’m especially anxious when it comes to time. That’s why, I would love the ability to control time. It seems like a wonderful way to control all of the things that make me anxious. However, when I think about it, I probably won’t make it past the first few times I would pause time to fix something. Or if I paused time to go do something and I just wouldn’t want to stop it. I would be especially bad about taking naps and not wanting to press play on life.


That’s a bit of how I felt this morning. I was spending the night at Beau’s house and after he went off to school for the morning, I watched some YouTube videos and then dozed. I woke up for a few minutes when he came home but I was just too tired to get up so I slept for a bit longer. Then, when it was almost noon, I told myself to get up and spend time with him even though I was still groggy. I love him, but it just always seems like I’m so tired. I know it’s just that I’m not taking care of myself all that well. It’s hard, though, to buy the expensive foods with actual nourishment and drinking water is boring (ha). I pretty much fuel myself with coffee and ramen which is fine if you’re doing it every once in a while, but not every day. I, also, need a better sleeping schedule. Plus, all I do is lay in bed and watch videos. I’ve become obsessed with downloading Netflix episodes when I have Wi-Fi and then watching them later in bed. Sadly, there are so many TV shows taking up my life right now. There’s Sex Ed (which I’ve turned Beau onto), Carole and Tuesday, The Witcher, The Good Place, etc. Just so many good shows out there!


Anyway, so I was super anxious the other day because my boss asked me to pull my first 7am-3pm shift by myself and I didn’t feel ready. I felt de-ja vu from when my old boss from the Pub asked me to do my first weekend serving shift so early because someone called out and when I told him I didn’t feel ready he told me that it didn’t matter because he needed me and that he’d give me a small section. My current boss also helped me out. He asked the 11pm-7am coworker to stay with me until things died down. Well, just like that shift at the Pub, I over-sweated this one and it ended up being super easy. I ran into very minimal problems and even though the coworker who stayed with me stayed just about the entire shift (he literally left an hour and a half before the end of my shift) I didn’t have to bug him with a lot of questions and I did just about everything to keep him from feeling like he was doing too much work. I made sure to thank him a bunch of times because he was here for over 12 hours, man! I could tell he was tired and hungry too and it didn’t help that one of the groups that stayed with us came in with Olive Garden which smelled amazing. Regardless, I feel so silly for overthinking situations like that. I barely slept the night before and it was all for nothing. I hate doing that.


I’ve also come to realize that I am someone who does not express their emotions in the healthiest way. I mean, writing is fine, but I find it so difficult to talk to people when I’m feeling down. I will go out of my way to avoid letting people know that I’m not mentally up just because I really don’t want people to worry about me which is why I post on here. It’s a great outlet and I can usually start to feel up again within the next day or so after I’ve typed and cried out any pent-up emotions. Again, it isn’t the healthiest thing to do but it is the cheapest thing since I still don’t have the money for counseling sessions. A problem that I can foresee from doing this is that I don’t tell others how I’m feeling and I imagine that can worry others who might have noticed a change in my demeanor or notice when I’m not feeling that great. I’m trying to get better about that but I’m always so worried I’ll just word-vomit all over them and they will feel awkward and just like with crying in front of people, I don’t want to make them feel awkward or feel like they don’t know what to do. It’s not their job to know what to do so why push my emotions onto them. Sure, most of my friends can and will give me advice but I still feel like I’m being rude by burdening them. I am afraid to be put in the “burden” category. I’m always afraid I’ll get judged for every choice I make which just makes the choices harder. This is made obvious by the fact that Chidi is my favorite character on The Good Place because I understand his struggle to decide along with applying the morals. I want to be a good person but it isn’t always in me to make those good decisions. Actually, it is in me but I make the bad choices, anyway. That is another part of me I notice. Sometimes I’m left with a moral decision that makes no sense on why I shouldn’t choose the good decision. It’s usually an easy decision but for some reason, I’ll fight it and try to reason that I don’t have to be good. But, why not be good. The only reason to do bad would be to inconvenience others and usually you end up inconveniencing yourself. Then, there’s that chance where you could get stuck in the “doing-bad” loop and, eventually, you become a bitter person that no one wants to be around, not even yourself.


Okay, enough existential crisis for the day. I want to get back to my Netflix shows. Bye for now!

2-29-20

I know the post I published this morning sounds very down and negative. I probably should have just posted it right then and there after I’d felt what I typed up.

I cried a good bit last night to get out all the negative feelings and woke up this morning like I usually do after a session of crying. I woke up feeling like I needed to restart. All I could think of was to “Stay Present” and that’s what I’m going to attempt to do, today. Anytime I think about doing anything else outside of what I’m supposed to be doing, I will remind myself to stay present. I won’t be mean about it either. Today shouldn’t be about being mean, not when I was so mean to myself last night.

I feel down

I feel stupid. Dumb. Unable to retain important information. I feel slower than others. And it is so stupid that I find comfort when I meet someone who struggles more or the same as me. I feel that sense of seniority over being the lesser stupid. How, absolute, garbage is that? Oh, and you know how I try to make myself feel better? I, fucking, imagine myself as my perfect OC, Lily, who is being told that everything is going to be okay and whoever is comforting her offers to make things better. Hell, when I’m having money issues, I imagine Lily’s friends offering to pay for things while real world me is making do like the adult I should be. In the real world, I cry, drink, and smoke to let out my emotions. In my head, I’m talking about my problems as a completely different person so my solutions are just as different compared to the real ones. There is no rich parent to pay the tuition for college or best friend who is on call 24/7 to come see me when, only, I need them (I mean, I have friends I could call but this bitch is not gonna call someone at 3am because of something that’s minor compared to how I’m making the problem out in my head). It’s like, sometimes I make problems worse than they are in my head so I can pretend a character is there comforting me (really Lily).


I have such a weird train of thought that causes me to say and do things that are confusing to others. I blame no one but myself for creating this OC and having her envelop my life and becoming apart of how I think. I know I’m me and I know she is this character in my head. I created this OC to contrast me as the kindergartner who had no friends because I was too shy to talk to anyone. I would tell this character in my head stories to feel comfort. She was my imaginary friend until I, eventually, talked to someone and developed actual bonds with actual people. Instead of dumping my imaginary friend like I should have, I kept her in my head. She was the first friend I had and for some reason I became too attached to let her go. Instead, I added her into moments in my life. She was a background character that silently experienced the same things I did but with more drama and romance and all the issues I never had resolved were resolved with ease for her. I used to use her when I would write fanfiction and I daydreamed for hours whenever I had the chance. I could spend hours just laying in bed and sometimes I would play music for the background noise in her scenes. I remember some of my closer friends developing their own OCs just to have fun and, like a normal person, they dropped theirs in favor of reality. I hold a memory of this, especially close. One of those friends told me I couldn’t live in my head forever, pretending to be someone I’m not, and she is still very much right. So, why can’t I just snap out of this haze like they did? I grew to have friends and I created Lily to have a friend; therefore, I should have no need for this silly imaginary friend.


A few separate times, I tried to get rid of her. There was one time when I pretended, she died but she eventually came back, as she always does. Another time, I was so angry at myself for being this way that I vowed to never daydream and I didn’t for, roughly, 48 hours before I fell back to my usual habits. I don’t get it. I want her gone and, yet, I don’t seem to want her gone enough for her to leave on her own. I told myself that I would have to get rid of her by college because I needed to be able to focus but that never happened. I can tell I daydream much less and as good as that is, it still isn’t enough. I tend to notice that I don’t think about her as much when I’m very busy or in the middle of stressing. However, I’m not going to put myself in stressful situations just for her to be gone for that period of time. I just don’t get it. Why am I still stuck on this? I’m an adult with actual problems and I’m still stuck in my head like I’m waiting for someone else to fix my problems.


I’m mental, I guess. This is why I wanted to be on that list for the cheaper therapy sessions. I can’t live like this forever. It’s absolutely ridiculous and not something I want hanging over my head throughout life.

2-28-20

As I’m typing this journal, there is a giant rat chewing something in the wall of the bedroom my roommate and I share. Not even 3 feet from that spot in the wall where that stupid, fat rat is chewing, there is a spotty outlet. Can you see the bad things I’m thinking about, right now? Can you hear the thoughts in the back of my head?


I should get pest control out here again. And I will, once I get the money. I’m hoping that’s by next month. My stomach hurts, though.


I wish we could move.


I wish I had more money.


I wish I could get my life together. And stop feeling so disappointed in myself.


I can feel myself comparing and contrasting.


God, it sucks to suck.


The rat is making me go crazy. I’m suddenly hating myself more than usual. Every time I hear it chewing on something, I can feel myself drawing in and I feel like tonight would have been a wonderful time to drink and cry out some oppressed feelings.


I had plans to see a therapist after putting myself on that wait list for Auburn’s Psychological Services but after my phone number changed and I was offline for a week, I’m pretty sure they tried to call me again and shot me off the list. I should have expected this. And the more I think about it, the more I have to tell myself that I really need to save all the money I can get if I want us to move. But, god, do I think about the help I want from those services.


To sum up my day (because that’s partially what this journal is for, anyways) I worked for 6 hours doing breakfast, came home and changed clothes, went to Snappy’s Tire and Auto to pay $341 and some change for 4 new tires, and went home and relaxed. I also finished the first season of Sex Education which ended wonderfully and I can’t wait to download the next season. I’m on the second episode of The Witcher because my mom really wants me to watch it even though fantasy isn’t really my genre. I find it really annoying to learn a whole new world. This would be funny if you could understand how my brain thinks. Hell, half the time, I don’t.


Nickie G came home to get some new clothes and fix a highlighter palette that was smashed due to someone not writing FRA-GEE-LEE on the package. She has a new job that she starts tomorrow and I’m so proud of her! She’s got the personality and the strength to work at that bar so I had no doubts about the interview.


Also, while I was at work doing “fun” front desk stuff on Thursday, Beau came in and delivered a sequined covered box of chocolates in the shape of a heart. At the time of looking at them, all I could think was how sweet he is and now when I look at the box, I just think of all the money he’s spent on me. It hurts my stomach to think of the few things I’ve bought for him. He’s so much more put together than I am. Than I ever will be, probably. He knows what he wants in life, has a goal. All I have is an Associates in nothing special and no immediate plans for anything new in life. Beau wants me to have dinner with his parents and I can’t help but imagine us all around the table with me having nothing to offer while they ask me questions like “What do you want to be when you grow up” or “What can you offer to our son?” All I ever want to do is write about the shit that I feel or write about my dad’s memories. I imagine telling them that and then my grandparents words coming out of his parent’s mouths about getting a back-up job or just changing direction to something more solid, altogether. His parents will look at me and think, “Who is this child? She’s got no prospects and nothing to offer. Her life is a mess.”


I know I’m partially thinking all of this because that’s how I see myself. I’m pretty sure a therapist would tell me that.


You know, sometimes I still get those urges to run. I want to run from everyone and everything. Just be by myself and deal with my own problems because everyone has them and no one needs to be dealing more than their share.


I wish I was more of a normal person. I know some people would say my flaws build my character but there’s more than enough flaws for one person in this character.


Or maybe I’m just being dramatic and I’ll feel better after eating actual food and drinking something other than caffeine.

Old Anxiety vs New Anxiety

While watching an anime called No Matter How I Look At It, I couldn’t help but laugh at the main character. Her name is Tomoko and she has terrible social anxiety and wants to be able to talk to people but she also has such a horrible perspective on her classmates. She rarely realises how ironic some of her thoughts are (i.e. she mentally made fun of a group of popular girls for changing their appearance and, yet, she went home and changed her own.) Tomoko reminds me of late elementary, early middle school me. Conversation was always hard and even just going out and ordering food was difficult. I even used to think the popular students at my school were overrated and fake.

Of course, I grew up, not completely, but enough that talk wasn’t as difficult. Granted, you wouldn’t have seen me talking with most of my classmates regardless of the year but I didn’t really connect well with most of them. I realize that this wasn’t anyone’s fault. Some people just don’t click well together.

But, again, things are so different. I still remember moments of my social anxiety getting in the way and I laugh, now. It’s so easy to talk once you’ve started but, of course, during my early middle school years I would be struggling to even think about having a conversation. My stomach would hurt and, for some reason, trying to talk would be all I could think about. I wouldn’t, but boy could I think about doing it. I’d be just like Tomoko, imagining whole scenarios of talking and befriending my classmates, even though I had no real connection with any of them.

I’m still trying to get better about socializing and still run into roadblocks where all I do is think about talking but I don’t actually do any of it. Most of time, I find the best way to get over my social anxiety is to just talk.

2-23-20

One problem fixed, one problem anew. Fuck my life.


My phone is officially replaced but I need to do the same for my tires… Again. Okay, that’s an unfair statement. Everyone has to change their tires, eventually. I just assumed it would be another year or two before I had to worry about it but what I, stupidly, didn’t calculate is how many miles I’ve driven: at least 31,200 miles. And that is the minimum. I’m sure I’ve driven more than that. I just did an average bit of math for 5 days a week with 40 miles a day for 3 years. Quite a bit of work on my end. But fear not, I’ve developed multiple plans as to how I could go through with this. My main plan is to call Snappy’s in the morning because my step-dad is friends with the owner and said owner helped him get a good deal on my twin brother’s tires so I will ask him about helping me with a deal on tires. I’m really hoping I can get a deal. It is gonna be a bit silly to name drop though. “Hey, yo, my step dad (insert name here) knows the owner. Can I get a great deal on some new tires, please?”


On a nicer note, I did my second scene in Nigel’s vampire film and it went so smoothly that the hour that it took to film felt like 5 minutes. I’ve got a few more scenes and then I’ll be done.


I’m still, somewhat, working on the project about my dad for my nephew. I’ve hit a small roadblock because there are so few of dad’s friends that will answer my messages about remembering any stories about dad. I do need to type up everything that I can remember about him.