Flip Flops in my mind!

You ever go through a day where you can’t attach yourself to one emotion? If the answer is yes, than you just might keep reading. Who knows, these days. Even if you can’t relate, there’s still a chance you’re interested. Either way, I’ll continue explaining why I’ve brought you here today to ask this agonizing question. This morning, I was feeling pretty cynical and a bit in the dumps. I was certain I wasn’t going to be able to pay my water bill without having to dig into my meager savings but, thankfully, after some careful calculations, I’d come to realise I was fine. Still, I stayed in the low. I even stayed that way after I realized how slow my shift was going to be and I enjoy slow shifts because that means I can use works WiFi to download Youtube videos for later consumption. I continued occupying the dumps until I forced myself to try the Relax app on my Fitbit (I could only wish this was sponsored) and then about an hour after that, still somewhat down, I was given a tip at work. It’s rare but it has always brightened my day. Especially since I’ve been counting pennies, literally. What I was really stressing about was that I’d recently met one of the higher ups at the hotel I work at and she’s in charge of quality control through the entire hotel. She gave me this spiel about having enough food throughout breakfast but not so much that I waste a lot of it by throwing it away at the end of the day. It was hard hearing her say I had to keep the place full until 30 minutes until close but then turn around and say that I need to make sure I don’t make too much food. Lady, do you not understand how this works? You can’t really predict everyday. Anyway, I was thinking about her words because we had the least amount of rooms booked today that I’ve ever worked and I still made a plentiful amount. I blame my brain going on autopilot while I was setting everything up. In the end, after all my anxiety about it, we had a good amount of people come down for food so I didn’t waste much. After that, I was up for a while and even talked with some of my coworkers, but then I felt my brain slip into its low as I was closing up to clean. I felt like I went into autopilot again and I actually got out of work about 30 minutes earlier than normal.

Coffee break: I don’t understand how dad liked it black. I HAVE to have both creamer and sugar in it. The bitterness hurts my poor taste buds.

So, you see how I can’t seem to stay in one place in my head for very long. I’ve always been confused by that. How come I can’t control which emotion I want and how long it stays there? I hear, all the time that you make your own misery and I’m sure that’s true but it’s difficult to understand the reasoning behind my misery, sometimes. I’ve caught myself making my own misery and that’s one thing; however, I can’t explain the type of sadness that occurs at the most random times.

My goal in understanding my emotions is therapy and digging deep.

Your stance on drug and alcohol addiction?

Today, I had a bouncy conversation with a coworker I’ll call J. I use the adjective bouncy because we seemed to have spoken about 4 different topics in under 15 minutes. I like those types of conversations because it shows how much you can stretch into a single talk. For instance, the title of this post was one of the many topics we discussed while we vegged out at the front desk. I can’t be 100% on what steered the talk of drug and alcohol addiction. Regardless, he asked my opinion of it and I have to admit that I prefer asking other people about their thoughts rather than think it through, myself. I have a generic idea of what I think of addiction: it’s bad.

So, I asked J what he thought of the subject and these were his words (paraphrased because we all know I don’t remember much), “Ultimately, they bring it upon themselves.” J and I spoke of some personal examples (he used to be a cop so he saw some shit) and he explained that he didn’t feel for people who spiraled into addicted because they should, at some point, find their limits.

For the most part, I agree with him. Of course, there are days when someone may want to drink or even go as far as getting shit-faced, but you have to remind yourself of your responsibilities. The thing is, no one has the same situation and I really don’t enjoy generalizing the universe.

The other side to this is people who either don’t become addicts or people who choose to seek help understand that drugs and alcohol outside of moderation are not good for you. Therefore, they should not make the mistake/keep making the mistake. That’s what confuses me. If there are people out there who understand then what’s to say about the others who don’t? Or maybe they do understand but choose not to change; therefore they are bringing it upon themselves, as J said.

When I told him about wanting to turn our conversation into a blog post, he assumed you readers would scramble to your keyboards to disagree with him, but I can’t say I can agree with him. First of all, I don’t get comments. Second, I don’t know if there are too many people who disagree on his standpoint.

I know some people may say, “Oh but addiction is derived from trauma and some people simply can’t stop using and don’t have the money for help.” However, that brings us back to the initial question of, “If people understand addiction is bad, why would they fall into it to begin with?” There’s plenty to dissect with this topic and I’m interested in hearing any other standpoints to this. Like I said before, I don’t like generalizing everyone’s situation so I can’t completely agree with J. However, you have to admit he does make a good point.

Spontaneously Terrible Things

Spontaneously terrible things

Have kept me up at night

They fill my head with dread

And No one knows when they’ll happen

Or if they’ll happen

Spontaneously terrible things

Kept my dad up at night

They filled his head with terrible dread

And No one knew why it happened

Or if it could happen again

Spontaneously terrible things

Kept my best friend up at night

They filled her head with future dread

And No one understood his reasoning

Or if it will ever change

Time traveling pt.2 Can't let go of the past

I’ve explored the idea of going back in time before. The last time I did it, I had the mindset of destroying my longest relationship I’ve ever had, which was from the third grade, and jumping to my current one. This go around, I’ve decided to destroy my most heart-breaking relationship in favor of my current one. This is mainly because, I still have negative feelings toward the relationship that I’ve always resented being in. So, let’s begin the hypothetical analysis of a relationship from September to December of 2016 (not necessarily dating the entirety of these months).

What if you were to stop in the middle of a current memory and be jolted into a past one, still in your current mindset? You might be tempted to make some changes, right? I know I would.

First, let me give you some background info of the present: I was sitting with a mutual friend of my boyfriend and mine and, of course, my boyfriend. (one of these days I’ll come up with codenames for them that I can actually remember) Now, in this present-day memory, I was laughing and having a great time which was what spawned the idea for this hypothetical time travel (part 2) piece. So, past memory back ground info: At some point in time during the mentioned above months, I was sitting with my former friends who I’ll just go by with the letters Z and T in the Southern Union Cafeteria, laughing about something stupid, probably. Now, I really liked Z at the time even though he was so insecure he ruined relationships and T was always looking for excuses to gain attention from either of us. Don’t ask why it took so long to drop them. You’ve got the info, so let’s keep this thought train going.

So, I am laughing and carrying on in my current memory with my current friend and boyfriend, then poof I’m laughing and carrying on in a past memory with a former friend and former boyfriend. I stop laughing as it takes me about 30 seconds to realize I am in the wrong year. This isn’t a book, though so don’t expect me to think hard on the logistics of how this is happening. Rather, I take the hypothetical opportunity presented me.

I stand from the non-descript gray tables Southern Union keeps scattered around and walk away from the two formers sitting across from me. Suddenly, I’m thinking, “Should I just have gotten up? Should I have told them I don’t want to be apart of their duo? Oh well, it’s too late to turn back now. I’ve already made my decision.” Besides, I know my future self’s tolerance for Z is pretty low and I’ve stopped trying to find the tolerance I used to have for T. So, I decide to contact my future friend and boyfriend and move on with my life.

The thought that I could have never met these people makes me want to build a time machine just to make sure that I don’t meet them! I’m sure everyone has people they wish they’d never met in their life. Of course, then we wouldn’t have learned the lessons that we know today. I guess we just have to cherish the lessons and avoid any further contact with those people.

Exciting Christmas Plans!

Usually for Christmas, my family meets at my grandparents on my mom’s side and we eat and swap gifts. Then we do whatever we need to do for the rest of the holiday. However, my older brother came up with an idea over the summer that we should go see our dad’s side of the family, AKA my aunt, uncle, and cousins in Summerville, South Carolina. We haven’t seen them since 2016 when our Mimi on dad’s side passed away. It’s always difficult to plan a trip there because of how expensive it always is. An eight hour drive just to get there is a lot on your wallet. Still, we set aside some money and have a hotel room booked for our time there. My uncle was actually so happy we are planning to visit that he booked us the hotel and said that was our present! And it’s a sweet hotel, too. It even has free breakfast which will be rad! It’s nice to go to a hotel breakfast and not be the one making the food. We plan to leave on the 23rd and come back on the 28th so there’ll be ample time to see them. It’s just going to be both my brothers, my older brother’s wife, and their kid (and of course me). I’m so excited to see the last few people left on my dad’s side. I love them more than I love most of the people on my mom’s side. Dad’s side is much more open and loving. My mom’s side likes to think they are but if I can’t be myself around them, then they aren’t as loving.

Okay, I need to leave McDonalds. I’ve been stealing their wifi for the past hour and my shoulders are starting to hurt. I’m off work the next two days so I plan to sleep in and start and finish a bottle of wine with some iced sugar cookies Nickie G bought me as a late birthday present.

Y’all stay warm out there!

Traveling back in time pt. 1

What if you could travel back in time? Last night I stumbled upon this subject after wondering who my longest relationship was. In case you’re wondering, it was a guy named C.J. and we were in the third grade. Our relationship lasted the extent of the school year and died on the first day of fourth grade. Ah, good times… So anyway, the reason I was wondering this was because I’d been thinking about some of my exes and how I wished I could have not dated them and gone straight to the boyfriend I’m dating, now. Of course, that would require a time machine and some explanations.

Regardless, I did what I usually do when a new thought crosses my mind and I explored for more details. I thought: What if I went back in time to that moment in third grade where C.J. and I were writing in his little notepad about how much we liked each other and instead of doing that, I’d just break up with him. He wouldn’t understand why I’d do such a thing unless his mind went back in time, too. What if we both went back in time and we mutually understood that this wasn’t going to work out and we would, then, go on our respective ways? Then, I wouldn’t have to deal with all the heart break a teen turned young adult deals with. I could just skip to the good part (as He is We’s song goes).

And then I thought: This would make a good book. And it would be even better if it had a bit of Love Rosie inspiration to it where, in the end, the two who had dated in the past realized their love for each other knows no limit by dimension and they live happily ever after… But in which dimension? How many times can they reverse time? Do they tell others or keep it a secret? Find out in Tiffany Mann’s best seller… I’m just pulling your leg. And mine.

Finally starting to feel up

I know I usually post a lot when I’m down but I was just too down last week. My birthday was just me choosing to be alone so I could nurse my mental wounds with Seagrams and Marlboros. I did get some money from my parents which turned into groceries. I finally felt like I’d hit a wall, so I turned to the local college for help which has a Psychological Service that helps train future psychologists and has assessments so you can find out what’s wrong with you. The good thing about this place is each visit is anywhere from $30-$60 because it’s on a sliding scale dependent on how much you make. Isn’t that neat? You get it cheaper cuz you’re getting a trainee psychologist. I assume there will be a legitimate psychologist there to help out and maybe that’s also why there’s a really long waitlist but we’ll see. I’m too broke to afford the other places I was suggested. They were around $160-$140 a visit, no thanks. Why is getting mental help so expensive?

Anyway, I’m starting to feel a bit more up, so I’m trying to seize the moment and do as much as I can. I’ve been up enough that I’m faster at work, so I’ve been getting out earlier and I’m spending the night at my beau’s house tonight and going running with him in the morning. (By the way, I’ve started walking and going to the gym) And then after that, I will spend the night at my older brother’s house to see them and the munchkin (nephew).

I’m just hoping my up stays for at least the rest of the year. Is that too much to ask?

Communication may be Key, but I preferred to stay locked

I’ve got more things on my mind than my birthday that’s coming up. I know I’m not going to be in the mood for people by then because I’m not in the mood for people now. That’s my logic, anyways. It’s not very soundproof or however you say it, but that’s what I’ve come to learn about myself. My boyfriend will be disappointed since we usually see each other at least once a week, but he’ll have to understand. If I force myself to be around people when I am desperate for separation, I just bury myself deeper into the pit. The last time I did this, I left his house early because of how drained I felt and cried on the way home. I still can’t seem to bring myself to really talk to him about my random ups and downs. It’s hard when you’ve been alone this long. I can’t exactly say what is scaring me most about talking to him about it. Maybe that he won’t understand or that he’ll take it personally. I think the latter is what I’m worried about most, that he’ll assume it’s his fault that I get so down and he’ll want to try and fix it which there’s always the chance he could worsen it. Of course, it wouldn’t be his fault. None of it is which makes me feel worse because my mood would be affecting him.

I’ve tried looking into what could be wrong with me but I’ve been to scared to do any self-diagnosing. I can’t pinpoint what it could be, either. My symptoms aren’t on point with anything specific.

I’ve come to realize that I’m everything like my dad, especially in talking about my feelings. I tend to bury them because they make me sad, so in turn, they’ll make others sad. I don’t like spreading it like some disease. I would like to talk to a psychologist about it though. I want to understand what’s wrong so maybe I can take control faster. Maybe I can start feeling like I have a chance in life, again.

If anyone would have anything, they can add to this, maybe that they’ve felt something similar, I’d really appreciate it. I feel so cruel when I cancel on friends or tell them I just don’t feel like hanging out. They tell me they understand and feel the same way sometimes, but it never seems to be the same extent as mine.

I sound like a poor Scrooge

Spending money I barely have on Christmas presents is a chore! The main reason for this is that I suck at buying Christmas presents throughout the year. I started off okay, grabbing a present or two here and there but I still have to buy at least 8 more Christmas presents before I’m mostly done. Why do I do this to myself every year? I could be smart and think ahead but nooo, I have to start shopping two months beforehand. Shopping has been difficult, too, since I don’t have WiFi. I’ve been having to plan when to steal other places internet just so I can order the dang things.

Send Help, Everyone!

I know what I wanna write about but I don’t wanna write it

I’ve been thinking about how much I enjoy spending time by myself. And I don’t even mean relationship wise. I’ve always liked the idea of building up a chunk of change and driving off to some rando destination and setting up shop wherever I can. I’ve even romanticised living in my car which is kinda not my thing. I need to be able to charge my electronics cuz I’m overly attached to them.

The thing is, I recently learned that my older brother and his family are planning to move to South Carolina, probably after a few more years. My brother and I have always dreamed about living in South Carolina because we’ve had great memories and that’s where a piece of our family that is really important to us lives. My dad’s side of the family still lives there and we have always held them close because they’ve never judged us and have been there for us and we’ve tried to be there for them. It’s difficult when you live so far away from each other, though. My mom’s side of the family has some roots in South Carolina, but they are the epitome of hillbilly and probable incest. I don’t hate my moms family (the ones that live near us), but I don’t really love a lot of them either. Most of them are homophobic or snooty (or both).

I don’t really have a big reason to stick around them, so I’d love to move closer to my dad’s side of the family. The thing is, I have a number of friends, my boyfriend, and my job here, so it feels like I shouldn’t be thinking about jumping ship. I can’t help it, though. South Carolina and the family there are making it very hard to like my current living situation.